Malaise, Incorporated

An Ending and a Beginning

2012-01-26T06:49:00.006-06:00

On September 6, 1988, I walked into an office building on North 12th Street in Reading, Pennsylvania to start my post-college career. Through all the intervening time (though divestitures, mergers, and corporate re-branding changed the name on the top left corner of my paycheck,) I worked for the same company.

At approximately 4 PM today, in a home office in the Cross Timbers east of Norman, Oklahoma, I will log off, power down a laptop, and stuff it in a box to be shipped back to it's rightful owner. After 23 years, 4 months, and 21 days, it will be over. There is no gold watch waiting at the end of the day, if such a thing is even done anymore. No conference room send-off with a hastily purchased sheet cake and soon-to-be-unkept promises to stay in touch. Just me, the laptop, and uncertainty. To be honest, I prefer it that way. When life forced me to divorce ego from pride, I put away a need for grand gestures.

My thoughts are a complete hash. I will miss neither The Company nor the work. Most of the people I truly cared about are gone. Some on to other jobs and careers, a precious few on to something far more permanent. My distress is more fundamental. Across 23 years, 3 cities, at least a dozen job assignments, and God knows how many down-sizings, right-sizings, and layoffs, I survived. I guess I became imbued with a sense of invulnerability. But, I overestimated my worth. Now, at 4:01 PM I have to squarely look into the eye of my own weakness.

Merry Christmas to Me

2011-12-06T12:50:00.002-06:00

To Sparta!

2011-11-01T14:44:00.001-05:00

My Buddy, My Burden

2011-09-20T13:36:00.016-05:00

It has been over four months since I last wrote anything here and alot has happened. The kittens were adopted out, the momma kitty disappeared, as did our other barn cat, both likely falling victim to a coyote. But, the biggest event was the loss of Foster.

Mid-June Foster went in for his last chemotherapy treatment. Part of the protocol at the last treatment is to take a chest X-ray as a baseline, since the osteosarcoma metastasizes in the lungs. I received a call from the vet telling me that the X-ray showed that there were already tumors in his lungs and near his heart. I pressed the doctor for details and while she was deliberately vague I surmised that Foster may had up to 6 months to live.

A few days later, on Saturday, we went out to near Muskogee for a horse show and were gone much of the day. When we returned home, he burst out of the house and ran out back to see me with all the speed his three legs could muster and all his normal enthusiasm unconstrained by the indignities of the previous eight months. We spent a normal family evening together and retired to bed. Sometime in the middle of the night, I was awaken by odd noises and, well,to get right to the point, Foster had pass away in his sleep. We knew his time was limited and dreaded the day we would have to decide to have him put to sleep. But, this seemed a particularly hard blow.

In a way, I suppose, this probably was a blessing. Foster died while he was still Foster, undefeated by the malignant decline that was surely coming. Full of joy and love and enthusiasm. And we were spared that awful decision. But, it was still too soon. Three months later, and I still choke up thinking about him. What I wouldn't give for another month, or week, or even a single day with him. I haven't had the heart to write about it and, even know, it is incredibly painful. He was, as I have said to others, a better human than most people who pretend to the name.

Fast forward to Saturday. I was out running my errands and had to drive by the city animal shelter. There was a solitary dog in the outside runs who, despite being a different color, reminded me of Foster. I drove by again later in the morning and saw him again. The sight haunted me and I looked at the shelter's website to see if he was on the list of available dogs. He was indeed and there was two pictures:

The first showed us what looked to be a happy dog. The second sealed the deal. He is looking at the camera with one jowl raised slightly relative to the other. Foster used to do that all the time. We called it his crooked smile, since he always gave that look when he was anticipating something good. I went to visit him at the pound and found him shy and tenative, but compelling. I called my wife and she came down to visit with him also. We took him to a 20 by 20 chain link run, let him off the lead. He mainly ignored us, being more interested in trying to play with the terrier in the next run over. It seemed to be another positive sign, him wanting to relate to other dogs. So, we brought him home. And the trouble began.

Missy, our Aussie is a bit of an attention sponge. Whenever Annie gets attention, Missy walks over and literally inserts herself between Annie and whomever is petting her. She did the same to Foster and tried to do the same with Buddy. Buddy growled and snapped at her. We immediately separated them. Similar incidents cropped up over the next couple days and they seemed to escalate.

There seemed to be a theme that Buddy was not liking the other dogs to get into his space. He could walk up to them without problems, but if they tried to walk up to him he would growl and lunge at them. Annie is so timid that when Buddy attacked her, she would cower. Missy, on the other hand, is bullheaded. When she was attacked, she would fight back. What was odd was that I have been taking all three dogs for walks on my neighbor's paths each morning and evening. When out there, Buddy behaved perfectly. He would happily trot along side Annie and Missy. He would stop and smell spots on the ground with them.

It all came to a head on Tuesday. I was out doing the evening chores and had tied Buddy up while dishing out feed to the horses. I walked over to pet him and the other two dogs came over. Buddy lunged at Annie as soon as she was within reach and had her pinned immediately. It took me a moment to be able get a firm hold on Buddy's collar and pull him away. Annie ran off a ways and when I checked on her I found her head covered in blood. Buddy had managed to bite her badly enough to tear a half inch gash in her ear. That really was the last straw. I was terribly upset and didn't sleep much that night, but what was I to do? We couldn't keep an aggressive dog in the house to terrorize the others.

The next day, I called the Shelter and explained the situation and asked if they kept sufficient records to make sure Buddy was placed into a single dog situation. My heart fell when they said no. The explained further that most of the people that adopt from the shelter already have a dog and are looking for a companion. The subtext was clear. If Buddy comes back because he was aggressive, he is considered unadoptable and, as you might expect, would probably be euthanized. I didn't have the heart to give up on Buddy, and thus condemn him, unless we tried our best to help him learn to get along with the other dogs.

We invited a friend, who does dog agility training, to visit with Buddy and see what she thought. Oddly enough, her opinion is that Buddy isn't attacking the other dogs because is a dominant dog, but rather because he is generally submissive and he is lacking confidence in himself and his place in the household. She suggested we start dog obedience classes with him. So, in two weeks a new class will be starting up at a local canine training academy and I will be taking Buddy. In the mean time, over the last couple days, Buddy has been settling in and is becoming more comfortable. While we have been keeping him, both literally and figuratively, on a short leash, he has not been aggressive towards the other dogs and, indeed, has started to try to initiate play with them. For the moment, I think we have achieved a tenative detente. I'll continue to keep the interactions under tight management until Buddy can be trained better, but I think it will end up okay.

The Law of Conservation of Cats, Corollary

2011-05-14T08:10:00.007-05:00

I had previously christened The Law of Conservation of Cats as stating that "There is an equilibrium number of cats such that when one cat is lost, another arrives." I have to add a corollary to the law that states that the new arrival will be in numbers equal to or greater than the referent loss and, if the number is greater, a new equilibrium point is established.

Not sure what is up with this. We had Ollie spayed about a week ago. Upon her return from the vet, she moved a couple of kittens into a space in the eaves of our barn. I had asked the vet who had spayed her if she was pregnant and he said no. I guess I should have asked if she had ever been pregnant.

Broken by Tift Merritt

2011-05-04T14:14:00.009-05:00

This is for someone who I've been thinking about. You know who you are.

Once you were a straight shot, a shiny quarter in a new slot
Night would keep the dreams that you got for afternoon
Then telling the truth got so hard, we were dancing in the backyard
Once I knew the end and the start but now that's through

Now you're broken and you don't understand
What is broken falls into place once again
Hand of kindness, come and gather me in like a rainstorm
Again and again, and again

Well, morning comes to clean up
Like nothing happened when your heart stopped
Like all the lawyers calling all cops to wave days through

So close our eyes for this long
Something's mixed up and something?s gone
Only fingers can you count on and one leaves two

Now you're broken and you don?t understand
What is broken falls into place once again
Hand of kindness, come and gather me in like a rainstorm
Again and again, and again, I think I will break but I mend

And it's these most loved losses, they are just old coin tosses
And it's these most loved losses are the hardest to carry

I wish I were a freeway, laid out clearer than a bright day
I'd run wide open down this causeway like brand new

But I'm broken and I don't understand
What is broken falls into place once again
Hand of kindness, come and gather me in like a rainstorm
Again and again

'Cause I'm broken and I don?t understand
What is broken falls into place once again
Hand of kindness, come and gather me in like a rainstorm
Again and again and again, again and again and again
Again and again and again, I think I will break but I mend

The Law of Conservation of Cats

2011-04-29T07:37:00.004-05:00

It has been my observation that the number of cats on our farm tends to have an equilibrium point. The lose of one is usually followed by the arrival of another. The thing about living in the country is you have little choice about the arrivals. Last night, little more than two weeks after having Garfield euthanized, this cat was observed hanging around by the barn. Still out there this morning, I ended up giving it a bowl of food. Wary, but friendly, I was able to pick it up and move it away from the horses.

Sigh.

An Untimely Passing

2011-04-12T06:39:00.009-05:00

This hasn't been a good year with our pets. As mentioned before, our dog Foster was diagnosed with cancer, had a leg amputated and has been going through chemotherapy. Our 26 year old quarter horse, Jack, broke the navicular bone in his right front foot and has been on stall rest and limited turnout for two months now. Additionally, we have an 18 year old cat that is on thyroid medicine. But, this was unexpected.

Garfield was only 10. We had gotten him as a kitten at the barn where we had previously boarded our horses. He was a good cat. He wasn't overly demonstrative, but he would occasionally like to sit and be petted. He would sleep on the bed, but always in his own spot. He just wasn't much of a cuddler. He loved to run out the door, but would get freaked out as soon as he got outside and would turn into a wild cat. Once, when trying to retrieve him after an outdoor adventure, he bit me and I ended up at the emergent care facility later that day with extreme pain and a nasty infection in the hand he bit. But, overall he was a decent fellow. He enjoyed going upstairs in the late morning and lay in sun spots. He loved sitting in open windows. He'd often sit on my desk while I was working and sometimes climb onto my lap for a time. He didn't really ask for much and, consequently, didn't get the attention the other animals did. He was at his most demanding around 5:30 in the morning, when breakfast was nigh. He would jump up on the bed and sit by my head and wait for me to get up.

A couple weeks ago, he started behaving oddly. He was wandering aimlessly and wouldn't jump up on the counter where we kept is food bowl. We took him in to be checked and he was diagnosed with kidney failure and cataracts in his eyes. The doctor thought, with fluid therapy he might live a couple more months. But, his behavior became increasingly bizarre. He would walk in between the wall and an open door and couldn't figure out how to get out. He would keep trying to push through the crack by the hinges. He would wedge himself between pieces of furniture and, once stuck, wouldn't try to extract himself. So, it was back to the vet on Thursday. The vet thought he might have been having small strokes to cause these behaviors. Well, long story short, when I talked to the vet yesterday, she said that his lungs appeared to be filling with liquids and he had appeared to have given up.

So, off I went to do what was inevitable. The vet staff put me in a room and let me cool my heels for a half hour. Finally, they gave him a shot of anesthetic and brought him to me. He was awake, but barely. I held him in my arms and within a few minutes at most, he had fallen asleep. After a while, the vet came in and euthanized him.

It is all done but the recriminations. I know it serves no useful purpose. I know logically that he led a better and longer life than if we had left him at the boarding barn. But, I cannot help wondering if I did him wrong. It was my role to be his caretaker and I feel like I failed. Could we have caught his illness early enough to treat it? After 4 days in a hospital, was he conscious enough to even know I was there at the end? I am becoming convinced that some people just shouldn't have animals and I am one of them. I try to treat them right and mostly do. I probably do better than most people. But owning animals means saying goodbye to them. And sometimes that it way too much to deal with.

RIP, buddy. I'm sorry it turned out like this.

A Day at the Track

2011-03-06T22:24:00.004-06:00

Taken at Remington Park during the opening weekend for Quarter Horse racing. You can click the images for hi-res versions.

Mister Handsome

2011-01-04T12:17:00.003-06:00

Meet Foster.

This photo was taken in late October, a couple days after he came back from his morning constitutional hobbling on three legs. We had taken him to an emergency vet who discovered that a bone in one of his legs had deteriorated signficantly and shared with us the different possible diagnoses. We tried to eliminate the more common explanations without much improvement. Last week, tests revealed what we had feared and hoped against.

Foster has cancer and in about 30 minutes I have to drive him to the hospital to have a leg amputated. In two weeks, and every three weeks for around 4 months, I am going to take him in for chemotherapy.

What will this cost? I have no idea. Likely a lot. What does it buy us, even with treatment median survival is about a year, with 1 in 6 making it to two years. Alas, all this isn't about prolonging his life significantly, while it will prolong it some. Mainly, it is about making him comfortable in the time he has left.

Why am I doing this? I love this dog more than I can express. I think it is because he is everything I am not. He is a free spirit, always in a good mood, always happy to make new friends and ecstatic to see existing friends. He is a joy to be around. Even in this picture, with him barely able to walk, he was just content to sit in the sun and enjoy the day.

Why does such pain need to be visited upon such a pure soul?

Quanah Parker Lake

2010-11-21T16:45:00.001-06:00

Abstract

2010-10-29T21:42:00.002-05:00

Click for full size version.

Preparing for Winter - A Self Portrait

2010-10-07T22:32:00.003-05:00

End of the Season

2010-10-03T17:22:00.002-05:00

Last harvest. The plants got pulled today.

Vacation

2010-09-21T07:27:00.003-05:00

My first real vacation in 5 years. It feels weird being obligation-free.

3am by Kim Virant

2010-09-18T20:12:00.005-05:00

This is a artist and song that I have been listening to alot lately. You can listen to the whole song here. Go first to the lower right hand side of the screen and click on the gray box with the white arrow, then push the play button.

3am by Kim Virant

It's no use sleeping and the clock strikes 3 AM
You're awakened by a lonely hymn
Tells a story of man that's broken down
Long past glories of one who wore the crown

And she's a blessing for the taking,
She's got starlight in her hair
She's bet that worth making,
but in the morning will your care.

Your thoughts are travelled down a road alone
You were unfettered, you were a rolling stone
Loves come calling and it's stronger than your fear
Then excuses are getting hard to hear

And she's a blessing for the taking,
She's got starlight in her hair
She's bet that worth making,
but in the morning will your care.

You lie to yourself
and tell me your someone else
I've seen through to the truth inside
and all the demons you try to hide
Stand on the ledge looking down
When you let go don't make a sound

It's no use sleeping and the clock strikes 3 AM
You're awakened by a lonely hymn
That tells a story of man that's broken down
Long past glories of one who wore the crown

And she's a blessing for the taking,
She's got starlight in her hair
She's bet that worth making,
but in the morning will your care?

She's a blessing for the taking,
She's got starlight in her hair
She's bet that worth making,
but in the morning will your care?

Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show

2010-09-06T07:29:00.000-05:00

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

2010-09-01T13:55:00.003-05:00

Gary Allan wrote this song in the wake his wife's suicide in 2005. It is a song I listened to some a year ago as I struggled to deal with my wife's depression. It was in September last year, where years of pain and struggle finally came to a head.

Crystal Clear by Kim Virant

2010-08-18T13:42:00.002-05:00

Another great, but under-appreciated voice from the Seattle alt-country/Americana music scene. The sound quality isn't very good, but you get a sense of what she is capable of. Her album is "Songs from a Small House" is highly recommended.

"Rain Roll In" by Eilen Jewell

2010-08-07T16:44:00.003-05:00

My new favorite singer.

There is only one constant in this old world,
That's nothing ever stays the same.
Someday my life will be over
and no on will remember my name;
But that's alright because what's in a name
and who needs another one to memorize anyway?
Make no fuss over my grave
Just plant something pretty and call it a day

Let's just listen to the rain roll in
I don't feel like we gotta do nothing
Years go by and before too long
Even the very last one is gone
.... the very last one is gone

No one ever said that it would always be good
And if they did they were just wrong
I've loved it all and I'll miss it when I'm gone
My life's been my art and I've told it in my song

Let's just listen to the rain roll in
I don't feel like we gotta do nothing
Years go by and before too long
Even the very last one is gone
.... the very last one is gone

Deep Thoughts

2010-08-06T16:38:00.001-05:00

Who woulda thought that you would need to go to Mexico to find nicer weather in the summer?

Two-Sidedness by Samantha Crain

2010-07-31T21:26:00.002-05:00

I love this song. She is a little bit Bjork and a little bit Neko Case. The guitar solo at the end is actually played on the bagpipes on the studio version.

Bounty of the Harvest

2010-07-16T06:35:00.004-05:00

I've been getting some banana peppers and jalapenos for a few weeks now, but yesterday was the first major tomato haul.

I've also gotten quite a few Long Red Slims, the peppers that cayenne is made from. I am stringing them up on fishing line to dry.

If Wishes Were Horses by Star Anna

2010-07-01T16:19:00.001-05:00

If I had only heard the audio, I would have sworn it was Lucinda Williams.

Fallen Flag

2010-06-27T15:41:00.001-05:00

Dressed for Work

2010-06-19T20:15:00.001-05:00

Byron Berline Bande - Sally Goodin

2010-06-03T20:44:00.002-05:00

I've seen this band at least a half-dozen times. They are one of our local treasures here in Central Oklahoma.

Kristen Ward

2010-06-02T17:45:00.002-05:00

If you like Lucinda Williams, Sheryl Crow, or Neko Case, you need to check out Kristen Ward.

You'll thank me.

Sigh

2010-05-27T14:00:00.002-05:00

I was supposed to have carpeting installed today. That is until I found this under the current carpeting.

Do you see that light colored square in the background? That is a concrete patch put in where they had to dig out the slab to install a foundation pier. Now, I've done two foundation repairs, but that was not one of them. That was done by the previous owner several years before we bought the place.

Notice that one side of the patch follows the crack in the slab? That means the prior owner knew of the crack at the time the foundation repair was done and did nothing to fix it before carpeting over the slab. Jerk.

Barn at Dusk

2010-05-24T18:53:00.005-05:00

Taken after the same storm as the previous picture, just looking south across a small paddock towards my barn. Click for a larger version.

Storm Clouds at Dusk

2010-05-24T06:25:00.003-05:00

It has been an eventful May here in Norman. Two weeks ago, we had an outbreak of violent weather in the area and a tornado passed less than a mile from our house. Our neighbor got some pictures of it. But, alas, I was not home at the time. Then, last Sunday another bad storm, with up to baseball sized hail passed to the north of us. Finally, last Wednesday, a storm with small tornados passed 10 or so miles south of us. I was out grilling and noticed some beautiful skies and grabbed my camera.

Here is the one of the pictures I took. It is taken at my north fence line looking across my neighbors property. I did a little post-processing in Photoshop to lighten and get a little more detail in the foreground, but didn't really do anything to make the sky any more dramatic. The sky in this shot is pretty much as it came out of the camera. Click for a larger image.

Added Later: My generally inactive little blog has been getting 5 to 10 hits a week on this post. All are referrals from Google image searches, but I cannot tell what the search words are that are bringing people here. Could someone who is stopping by please leave a comment stating what they were searching for when they were led here? Thank you. Also, in terms of my photography, I am more proud of this image and this black and white. Thanks for stopping by.

The Lowlands - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

2010-05-21T12:52:00.001-05:00

Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot

2010-05-04T14:05:00.003-05:00

I have always like songwriters that are also storytellers. Bruce Springsteen, James McMurtry and, yes, even Gordon Lightfoot. This also reminds me of childhood vacations at the 1000 Islands, where I used to see ore carriers like "The Big Fitz" travelling the St. Lawrence Seaway.

Struggle for Pleasure - Wim Mertens

2010-04-28T15:06:00.011-05:00

Haven't thought of this in years until it came up on my iTunes today.

And.......Done!

2010-03-12T15:59:00.004-06:00

Advice Needed

2010-03-05T06:53:00.004-06:00

This is the new color on a small section of wall next to the old color. I am thinking the new color is too light ad maybe go a shade darker. Thoughts?

(Click for larger image)

Getting Closer

2010-03-04T07:46:00.003-06:00

Today and tomorrow, the flooring goes in. Hopefully, this weekend, I will repair and repaint the walls. This coming Thursday, the counter tops get installed. One more week, and this homeowner's nightmare will all be over.

Field Trip

2010-02-28T10:04:00.005-06:00

My digital photgraphy class took a field trip to campus on Saturday. I took over 200 pictures. Most didn't excite me, but here are a few of my favorites.

Coming Back Together

2010-02-26T07:08:00.009-06:00

And so it slowly comes together. Here we see the roughed in cabinets.

This is the built in spice rack that will be next to the stove.

The cabinets should be finished and painted today and the counter tops installed next week with Galactic Black laminate.

Today, we are putting the deposit down on the flooring. We decided to go with Armstrong Excelon vinyl composition tile. It will be done in a checkerboard pattern of Classic Black and Cool White in the formal kitchen area seen in the first picture background, with a gradual fade to solid white in the dining area in the background of the second picture. Also, because the white and black will be so bold, we decided to tone down the paint color. We like a nice sunny yellow, but the color on the wall now is going to be too bright. So, we are going to bring it down a few shades, maybe almost to a straw color.

The Joys of Home Ownership, Part 3

2010-02-23T07:07:00.003-06:00

So, here is the finished cement floor. The plan today was to reinstall the windows which were taken out to avoid damage during the foundation repair. I was hoping that we would get the new cabinets installed today, but the cement is still not completely set up as of this morning, so we will see how that goes. We'll need to pick the counter laminate today so that we can get that ordered. At least I will have a working, if not completed kitchen in a few days. I am tired of drinking coffee from styrofoam cup.

Tomorrow, the flooring company comes and, next week, we will get the french drain put in and the garage slab redone. Mid-March will be the new windows,shower and ventilation upstairs.

The Joys of Home Ownership, Part 2

2010-02-22T06:39:00.002-06:00

This is my kitchen (click for larger image.)

When we last left this little project, we had changed the plan from piering the wall, to replacing the rotted sill plate the length of the kitchen and 4 feet into the next room, for a total of 26 feet. Alas, there were other complications to come. When decking got pulled up, and the crew was able to inspect the floor joists and sill plate, we got two surprises, one good and one bad. The good news was that the sill plate was in good condition for the last 9 feet we had expected to replace. The bad news was that there was no sill plate and, indeed, no stem wall for the first 8 feet of the kitchen wall. The framing was, literally, resting on the porch slab which was deteriorating. So, they managed to replace the sill plate where they could. But, they couldn't do that where there was no stem wall. So, the plan changed again.

Where you see the open void in the background a new stem wall and floor slab is being put in. The trench, containing the pipes holding up the repaired framing, will be the stem wall. The rest will be the floor slab. The pour will take place today and my general contractor will be out to discuss what to do about replacing the missing kitchen cabinets, which were water damaged over the years and are likely not salvageable. Tuesday, the two windows get re-installed (a large one in the left foreground and a smaller one above where the sink should be). Wednesday, a flooring company will be out to discuss our options for reflooring the kitchen because, let's face it, those tiles in the picture are ugly.

So, this whole adventure has blown a minimum $4000 hole in our budget with probably another $2000 hit to replace the damaged cabinets. We are going to have to sit down this week and re-figure our remodeling plans. More than likely we will need to scale back what we would have spent on new carpeting and may need to skip the tile shower for a more reasonably priced fiberglass version. But, we will see......

The Joys of Home Ownership

2010-02-18T19:27:00.004-06:00

See the pen?

The pen is sitting on the stem wall. The wood above it is the sill plate. Or perhaps I should say what is left of the sill plate. Previous owners never addressed drainage issues around the house and did a lousy job when the put in the porch slab. Water infiltration and time gets you a rotted sill plate.

We had known about the water issues and had thought that the stem wall needed pier support. So, we hired a foundation repair company to come in and install piers along that wall. $2200 and a half day later, it should be done. No such luck. The stem wall is fine, but that sill plate will need to be replaced. Now we are looking at $5100, three days and a they have to tear apart the kitchen to do it.

We also had guttering installed this week and are going to get a French drain installed and the garage slab redone to address the water issues. Only then will we be able to start in on the interior upgrades. Sometimes, it just isn't worth it to be a homeowner. Now is one of them,

Abandonment in Blue

2010-02-18T06:50:00.006-06:00

Self-Portrait of the Artist as a Pensive Redneck

2010-02-17T07:00:00.003-06:00

Front Lines of Progress

2010-02-16T09:42:00.003-06:00

Glimpses of the Past

2010-02-15T09:12:00.001-06:00

I have been becoming more interested in photography over the last few years and I finally got a digital camera for Christmas. For the most part, I rarely take pictures that I really like, for a variety of reasons. I have been trying to improve my technical abilities and work on better composition.

I decided yesterday to go to an abandoned home tucked back in the woods that is about a quarter mile walk from my front door. I expected to just take pictures of a derelict structure, but found that there were still glimpses of the prior resident's life, even though the home has been abandoned for at least 15 years. Of all the photos I took, there were a few I did like and all captured a bit of who the last resident may have been.

As always, click on the thumbnails for larger versions.

Scenes from the Ice Storm

2010-02-02T18:38:00.004-06:00

Click for larger versions.

Laugh and the World Laughs With You

2010-01-18T20:51:00.004-06:00

My poor old Flicker kitty has had a bad time of it the last week. Two trips to the emergency clinic and lots of meds. She gets an oral antibiotic twice a day, a topical antibiotic three times a day, and an anti-biotic cream in her eye three times a day, too. On top of all that, she gets to wear a lampshade. I'll bet she'd like a Prozac.

Why You Always Want to be Lead Dog

2010-01-08T21:28:00.004-06:00

Click image for larger version.

I Am My Obligations, Part 1 of ?

2009-11-01T10:04:00.006-06:00

By way of context, my wife's return to work last Monday failed. She was nervous, which was to be expected given the trauma of the previous months, but seemed to make it through the day. Tuesday, her car was in the shop, so I drove her to work and carried on to my office. Almost immediately, she had a panic attack and it all went downhill from there. She made it through the day, mainly because she had no way out until I picked her up at 4:30. But, I don't know if she managed to accomplish anything. Tuesday night she was exhausted, but only slept fitfully. By Wednesday morning, she was highly agitated and despondent, not unlike before I put her in the hospital. She called in sick and suffered through the day until we visited her therapist that evening. No relief was found there or at the psychiatrists office the next morning. The doctor made some suggestions to changes in her meds, and we went off to her office to talk to her boss.

My wife is an attorney, 10 years removed from law school. But she has always been hampered in her career by her fears and, frankly, the possibility that she is just not suited for the field. To be sure, she is intelligent and hardworking and has never been fired. But, she just cannot see herself as competent. She cannot see herself as others see her. So, we had decided that she was going to explain to her boss that the doctor was making some medication changes that should take a few days to settle in and she should be back on Monday. But, she was going to tell her boss, if this was going to be a long term recovery that she intended to resign her position because it was not fair to leave them waiting for her. It is a small firm and cannot redistribute work easily.

The idea that her boss had offered her the first leave of absence because they couldn't fire her for being sick had been an ever-present idea in my head. By putting resignation on the table, we relieve them of any obligations to keep waiting on her. It is what is right for both sides. Right for my wife to not have to face meltdown every Monday and right for the firm to be able to run their business unfettered by the uncertainty of an employee that may never return. Much to my surprise her boss stopped her before she could even complete the sentence and told her that they think the world of her there and want her to start feeling better before making any radical decision. Now, this is a small firm, but a well-regarded firm. The lead partner and my wife's both are both considered among the best attorneys in the state and are also nationally recognized in their field. By putting resignation on the table, she gave them freedom from any obligation to maintain her on a leave of absence. That they would choose to wait spoke volumes to me about my wife's abilities and, sadly, her distorted view of them.

We left the office to return home and my wife's demeanor had changed. She was calm, responsive, even able to laugh a little. I don't believe that it was due to her boss' support as I still see evidence of her distorted self-image. Her change was due to being relieved of the obligation to go in for a few days. Indeed, today is Sunday and she is already starting to show signs of getting worked up about going back in tomorrow.

I am at the point that I don't know what to do. Attempts to show her how her thinking is distorted and calm her down enough to go in don't work anymore. Offers to let her quit, and simplify our lives so we can live on my salary, are seen by her as proof that she is a failure. There nothing I can do that doesn't either force her into mortal struggle with her fears or reinforce her self-image of being fatally flawed. I don't know how to break the cycle. We tried letting her take time off to figure it out two years ago and it didn't help. She never figured out what she really wanted to do (which doesn't surprise me given her belief that she is weak and incompetent), she spent most of the lay-off struggling against the same fears, and she was eventually driven back into a law firm out of desperation to get back to work. I don't see another period of time off leading to any different result. Until we address the underlying thought patterns and distorted beliefs, there is nothing but pain in her future whether she works or not.

And so tomorrow we start again. My wife had been on Xanax before to help calm her down, but Xanax is an insidious drug and, I believe, contributed in some way to her recent collapse. The doctors had her on Klonipin to ease the Xanax withdrawal and keep her calm. Klonipin is similar to Xanax except that it is slower acting and, thus, contributes less to panic attacks as it wears off and, in turn, leads to less addiction. She had been of Konipin for several weeks, but the doctor offered her a prescription for short term help. All I can offer my wife tomorrow is to take her Klonipin with her to see if it tamps down the anxiety and gets her through the day. If we can use it safely to help her continue to work, maybe it will buy time for the therapist to help her begin to see herself differently, give her room to see if she really does or doesn't want to continue as an attorney or to try something different.

I hate this. I hate not being able to fix this. I hate not knowing what to do. I hate seeing her in pain. I hate that I have no vision for the future beyond getting through the day.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

2009-10-26T07:53:00.003-05:00

So, today is the day. About 45 minutes ago, my wife walked out the door for her first day of work in 6 weeks. I could tell she was scared, but she was calm in a way that she hadn't been prior to her collapse. She has come so far in the last 6 weeks, but there is still a long road ahead of her.

There is going to be fear and anxiety in the days to come. I think we are both afraid that she will succumb to it again. I am ready to sell out our property and most of the horses. I am ready to move into a non-descript house in town that will allow us to live on my salary and still let her have horses in her life. But, I don't want it to come to that. I want her to be happy and productive. So, I sent her out into a world that frightens her and I hope she has the strength to push on and I have the strength and calm to support her, I also hope for the wisdom to know if it isn't working and we need to scale back our expectations from life. Because, given the choice, I'd rather her be happy than productive and perhaps she can't find both.

Maybe someday I'll write more about the journey she has been through recently. But, right now, it is hard to concentrate with the fear that is gripping me knowing she is out there staring down her anxiety.

But yonder comes the powerful king of day, Rejoicing in the east.

2009-09-22T06:17:00.004-05:00

Courage, brother! do not stumble,
Though thy path be dark as night;
There’s a star to guide the humble,
Trust in God and do the Right.

- Norman MacLeod

Sunday had to be one of the worst days of my life. My wife came home on Thursday and seemed stable. She even, against my wishes, went into work on Friday for a few hours to make sure nothing urgent needed to be attended to. She was okay on Saturday, as well, but I could sense concern growing about having to go in to work on Monday and face her boss. All through Sunday, her agitation grew. I was concerned about her going back to work so quickly after hospitalization, but she had worked herself into a corner and I wasn't sure what to do. She didn't want to go back, but she didn't want to get fired. I couldn't get her to settle on a course of action. She was gridlocked in her own fears and quickly descended into the same plaintive despair from prior to when I took her to Tulsa.

Finally, without any other options, I began investigating the in-patient program in Houston that her psychiatrist recommended. It seemed like a perfect option, but it was expensive, costing over $1000 per day with an estimated stay of 6-8 weeks. I called and talked to the admissions person, asking questions about the program. When we came to the subject of cost, he informed me that they rarely receive any payments from insurance and expect payment, in full, within 90 days of discharge. With that one statement, my hopes seemed crushed. I don't have $40,000 to $60,000 lying around. I have some liquid assets, but not near enough. To afford that program, I would need to sell our house or raid my retirement savings plan.

She took her meds and fell asleep early, sleeping from 8:30 straight through to 6:00 AM. My faint hope that a full night of sleep would clear her head was quickly disabused. I slept poorly and, sometime during the night, resolved myself that I would sell the house and get her the treatment she needed. When she woke, she remained in the same place she was the night before. I told her she needed to break this cycle and make a decision. I told her she needed time off to recover and, if her boss wouldn't help, she needed to resign her job. She wouldn't do it. She saw no way out and vowed to just keep pushing through the days. I tried to tell her that wasn't want I wanted for her and couldn't continue to live my life watching her suffer as she was. But, she pushed on and went into the office.

But, she wasn't able to quell her anxiety and I had two more awful phone calls from her within an hour of her arrival. But, finally, the first glimmer of light broke through the clouds. Her boss offered her a leave of absence to get herself healthy. No pay, but a job waiting for her and continued health benefits during the interim. She took the offer, but was so exhausted from her state of agitation, I had to drive up to the city and bring her home.

We got home and started making calls regarding our options for recovery. Since this all started spinning in after her hysterectomy, we had set up an appointment with a highy recommended Ob-Gyn that specialises in hormone replacement. We couldn't see him until late November, so took an October 8 appointment with one of his nurse practitioners. I called up to see whether they had a waiting list of folks to call to fill in slots opened by cancellations. They said they don't, but if you call in each morning and check they might be able to squeeze us in. Half jokingly (since it was 2 PM), I asked if they did have any such openings today. The person earnestly checked and found an open slot at 3 PM, an hour later. Since it was a 45 mile drive, I grabbed my wife, we got into the car and drove at breakneck speeds to get there, arriving right at 3:00. She had a good session with the nurse, getting some new hormone prescriptions. We stopped after at a local diagnostic lab on the way home to get blood drawn for tests, then came home.

Today, I am going to let her rest, but am going to schedule an evaluation on Wednesday at a day treatment program up in the city. She would be there from 9:00 to 3:30 five days a week for 4 weeks. The program seems like a good fit and while it still isn't cheap, it's better record getting payment from insurance means we don't have to turn our lives completely upside down to pay.

So, arising out of the dark of my Sunday seems to be some hope. We still have a long way to go, but for once I have something tangible to look forward to, beyond just patching her up each day and sending her out to fight her demons.

Unforgivable

2009-09-16T07:33:00.005-05:00

Are there some decisions that are always and forever unforgivable?

I drove my wife to Tulsa yesterday and put her into a psychiatric hospital. It is only for a few days to get her stabilized, but I am not sure it was the right decision. Yes, my wife is troubled, but there are seriously scary disturbed people in there. It was like "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" with nicer flooring. People wandering around the ward, talking to the themselves, looking for other people to play a role in their delusions. My wife felt great shame in being taken there and having seen the place, I am ashamed to have taken her there. But what else could I do? I don't know.

I don't even know where to start. My wife grew up with a unpredictable, violent father. She has always struggled with relating to authority because of the latent fear of mercurial power that she learned as a child. In her work life, she strives relentlessly for the unobtainable perfection, she is tenative about working independently; always looking for guidance and help, she is irrationally fearful of doing anything new. We were able to keep the anxiety under control through medication, but she didn't like how if dulled her thinking.

I guess the latest episode had, as it's starting point, the complete hysterectomy she had earlier this year. She had never recovered her energy level after the surgery, likely due to hormone imbalances. But, never one to let grass grow under her feet she pushed on. Through her job, through her life. Never resting. Last month, she forgot to take the medicine she took during the day once and felt good, so she stopped taking it. Only consulting with the doctor later. She also starting scaling back rapidly on the Xanax that she needed to counteract the other medicine in order to sleep. The result? Heightened anxiety, and an inability to sleep through the night. She cratered quickly.

I spent alot of time trying to hold her together, but she continued to spiral in. She expressed wish that she was dead. I didn't see it as suicidal, more using the thought of death as a form of catharsis for her tortured mind. But, she teetered. My last two trips to Dallas for work had to be cut short to come home and pick up the pieces. The last trip,last week, I had to find a friend to drive up to the city and pick her up and bring her home since she was bordering on incoherence and couldn't drive safely from the lack of sleep. The helplessness of being three hours away was unbearable. I got home as quickly as I could and tried to get her calmed down and resting. It came to the point where I would wake up in the middle of the night and just hold my breath until I could hear hers.

But, it all came to a head yesterday. Working from home, I tend to get an early start. Around 6:30 she came into the office and collapsed at my feet, plaintively begging me to let her stay home forever more and not go back to work. Having seen her torture herself during her work hiatus, I know that avoiding work would not end her torment, only shift it's focus. I told her that, but also told her that maybe she should stay home and rest. She said no, that she had work due that needed to get done. She wants me to let her stay home, but she won't stay home. What am I to do? As she came downstairs, as if to leave, she came into the office and asked me where her Xanax was. I told her that I took control of it the previous night because I was concerned what she might do. She looked angry at me and I asked her why, when she only takes it for sleep, would she need it in the morning. Her reply was that she just wanted to go to a hotel room and take it all. Again, I thought she was just trying to calm her mind with the idea of relief. I told her how precious she was to me and thought I got her back together.

She got out the door, but halfway to the office, she called in tears. She can't go in, but she can't come home because they will fire her. I redirected her to the doctor's office and I scrambled to get there to join her. The morning only got worse. We reviewed all this with the doctor and were getting to the point where we had a solution. We were going to get her set up with a top notch hormone replacement doctor and get her onto a new anti-depressant. But, she continued her descent, ending on the doctor's floor in a fetal position crying inconsolably. That is where I had to make a decision. The doctor recommended a temporary hospitalization for stablization and I agreed. The doctor didn't like any of the hospitals in OKC and recommended one in Houston (a 7 hour drive away). I don't know how to arrange that. With animals to care for and a job to keep, how I a supposed to hospitalize her over 400 miles away and still be there for her. The good Dallas programs were all out-patient day programs, three hours away. Tulsa, while not a good option, was the best we had.

On the entire two hour drive up, she begged me not to take her there. She said she would behave, just don't take her there. All through admittance and the receiving process on the ward, she promised me that she wouldn't kill herself, just don't leave her there. I left at 7 to go to the store and get her some clothes and toiletries. I walked out knowing that I wouldn't see her again for at least two days. I got home late and slept poorly. The phone rang at 7 and it was her wanting me to bring her some things and begging me to get her out of there. I am weakening. I am not sure she deserves to be there, but I cannot live my life on suicide watch. I can't live that way, but I am not sure I can live with what I did. I feel like I betrayed her, taking away her last shred of control. I guess I cannot blame her if she hates me for doing that. But, I was scared and I didn't know how to fix her anymore.

I’ve been chasing grace....

2008-12-19T08:32:00.002-06:00

....grace ain't so easily found.

This is my139th post on this blog. The number isn't itself significant in any way, except inasmuch as it is probably my last. I set out in February hoping to use writing this blog as a way to discover the means of becoming the pilot of my life, rather than a passenger buffetted by the eddies of those who do take charge. As I look back over the last ten or so months, I can only conclude that I have failed in that regard. To be sure, I have been pleased to find that, with the right job, I can enjoy work and some of the malaise lifted with that. But, overall, I am still an observer; still watching myself move through the world with a "studied indifference."

I am not sure what went wrong. As I look back, I can only count on one hand the posts that I have liked and took some degree of pride in. They were, not surprisingly, those posts that were laden with emotion, touching on a subject near to my heart. The rest? Self-indulgent crap. A means of posing and posturing for the crowd (such as it was). Posts on my daily life were meant to evince a sense that I have an interesting life. The Friday Random Ten became an exercise in showing off the breadth of my musical taste. If a lousy song came up in the rotation, I fast forwarded past it and didn't include it on the list. Even those discussions of the struggles with my wife's depression didn't seem intended as tools for working through the situation, but rather as a way to seek validation. I wasn't looking for help with what was between her ears, but rather looking for complements for what was between mine.

It was, in short, an exercise in ego. I suppose the paucity of my readership is, in no small part, due to this basic insincerity. While every word I wrote was true, precious little of it was authentic because it was presented under false pretenses. That a main protagonist in my writing was completely unaware of this blog also has weighed heavily on me. Thus, it is time to lower the curtain on this experiment.

For the handful of you who have come here with some degree of regularity, thank you for your kind words and, more importantly, your indulgence. I will continue to read your blogs because you are what I aspire to be: a person seizing their lives and living it. Even in your darkest, most painful moments, I admired you because you were genuine and passionate and fought for something better for yourself. That is a precious gift.

I leave you with my early prayer for 2009.

Random Play

2008-12-12T08:51:00.002-06:00

1. "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Ned Gerblanski
2. "Whiskey Bottle" by Uncle Tupelo
3. "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen
4. "End of the Party" by The English Beat
5. "Oh, Boy!" by Buddy Holly
6. "There Is a Time" by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band (with Rodney Dillard and Ricky Skaggs)
7. "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M. (with Kate Pierson)
8. "Rhythm Guitar" by Emmylou Harris
9. "Deep Ellum Blues" by Red Dirt Rangers
10. "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica
11. "Crescent City" by Branford Marsalis
12. "Keep Me in Your Heart" by Warren Zevon

Jack Be Nimble, Jack Be Quick....

2008-12-08T19:03:00.009-06:00

...Jack watch out for pointy stick.

Of the seven horses at our place (our six plus one that belongs to a college student friend of ours), four are what is known as easy keepers. That is a nice way of saying they put on weight easily. Too easily, so during the winter months, when they are not ridden much, we have to restrict their hay intake. For them, we buy small square bales that weigh around 55-60 pounds and cost $5-$6 each. Then we parcel out their rations twice a day. Depending on the horse, they will get roughly 5-12 pounds of hay at daybreak and again in the evening. I buy that hay and put it up in the barn loft during the summer.

The other three horses, including the 23 year old quarter horse gelding Jack, are on free choice. 'Free choice' is a fancy way of saying that we dump a 1200 lb round bale of hay (cost: $50) out in the pasture and let them have at it. They can eat as much or as little as they want. When the bale is gone, we dump another. Round bales, however, present a logistical challenge since I do not own a tractor and have to buy them as I use them. I have a 16 foot flatbed trailer that I can store them on, so I buy them 4 at a time. As I need them I drive the trailer out to the pasture and dump a bale. When I drop the last, I buy more.

Which brings me to today. After busy day at work, I headed out immediately over to Little Axe to buy four more rounds from my local hay guy. As I approach my property, I can see my barn and pastures for a couple hundred yards before the drive. As I approached today, I saw a Suburban and several people that I could not recognize from a distance standing in front of my barn. Our boarders thoroughbred stood at the hitching rail all tacked up. I figured she had some friends over to visit her horse. I pulled into the drive and noticed her boyfriends T-bird parked, but didn't think anything of it. It is unusual, but not unheard of, for him to be over. I turned back east and headed down the drive towards the barn, stopping only to open and, after driving through, close the gate. Oddly though, John, the boyfriend is walking up towards me. Not sure what is going on, I ask him "wassup?" He tells me that they had to call the vet because Jack had a puncture wound below his right front knee joint and they were working on him at that moment.

My heart sinking, I parked the truck and trailer and entered the barn. The vet had just pulled a stick out of the puncture wound and was preparing to feel around inside the wound with a pair of forceps to be sure there wasn't any remnants of the stick broken off in there. The leg was swollen up to twice its normal size, but there wasn't anything further in the wound. So he proceeded to lather the leg in antibiotic ointment and DMSO, an anti-inflammatory, and apply a sweat wrap.

The prognosis is good. We are to keep the leg wrapped and dry for two days. On Wednesday evening, we'll need to remove the wrap and make sure the swelling has gone down. If it has, Jack gets to be exercised for a few days to improve the circulation. If not, we get to call the vet back out again. With rain in the forecast for tonight and snow tomorrow, Jack is tucked away in a stall overnight, a situation he absolutely loathes. But, such is life. Jack was our first horse and he is precious to us. At 23 years of age, he is considered a senior citizen and I intend to make sure that he is well cared for and happy in his remaining days.

Now I just need to figure out how to get the antibiotics into him. But that is a story for another day.

Friday Random Play

2008-12-05T13:12:00.004-06:00

1. "Seeds and Stems" by Mary Catherine Reynolds
2. "I Wanna Talk About Me" by Toby Keith
3. "Testify" by Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble
4. "John Henry" by Bruce Springsteen
5. "Am I Evil?" by Metallica
6. "Winter Wonderland" by Dean Martin
7. "Broken Telephone" by The Be Good Tanyas
8. "Sugarfoot Rag" by Asleep at the Wheel
9. "Speedway at Nazareth" by Mark Knopfler
10. "Fortune Teller" by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
11. "Our Lips are Sealed" by The Go-Gos
12. "Con Alma" by Oscar Peterson

Weebles Wobble

2008-12-05T05:54:00.003-06:00

The early part of this week was exhausting as I had to fight to keep my wife from descending into the meltdown she seemed intent on having. She has always struggled with anxiety on Monday mornings, even back to her childhood when she was bundled off to school at the beginning of the week. Pouring a four day holiday weekend on top of that normal stress tends to make it that much worse. Still, though, it should be manageable. But, we added in the additional complications of a touch of stomach/intestinal distress (which we both had), and a possible sinus infection. It all led to a perfect storm of anxiety.

Now, I believe that my wife tends to overanalyze her condition. She is what I can describe only (and poorly) as a hypochondriac when it comes to her mental condition. Tiredness isn't exhaustion, it is depression returning. An upset stomach isn't a virus, it is anxiety. Every twinge of pain or disease is seen not as it is, but as a harbinger of mental breakdown. Rationally, I understand the concern. Two of her older siblings have spiraled in as they have gotten older, going from responsible adults to occupying a place near the bottom of the employment ladder, one short step from incapacity. I don't believe that is my wife's future, but it isn't clear to me she believes the same thing. And, I fear if she comes to fully accept that she will follow the same path trod by her older brother and sister, that it will be a self-fulfilling belief.

She made her way into the office on Monday and shortly after her arrival, the email comes: Miss You! I had a good time this weekend! It seems innocuous enough. The electronic equivalent of a warm hug from a loved one. But, it isn't. It is an attempt to regain the feeling of security that she had while at home. It is the first of a short series of a handful of emails, each in it's turn more anxious and pleading. What starts as "I love you" ends with a inventory of symptoms of a panic attack. Strange, isn't it that I dread hearing from my wife during the day? But, when she is blowing and going, I don't. The emails only come in when she is struggling. Monday was one of those days. Working as a contractor, paid per hour, actually doing something is bread and butter. Monday was a wash. Unable to work, she ended up leaving early.

Hoping some rest would snap her out of it, I got her off to bed early that night. But, her sleep was fitful and Tuesday morning saw a further descent into irrationality. Everything was bad. She was a failure. She didn't want to live. My job at times like that is to prop her back up. Everything is not bad, you were in great spirits last week. You are not a failure, you just got a full time job offer and a Christmas bonus (when does an independent contractor ever get a bonus!). I want you to live. I would rather spend every day of the next 30 years fighting this disease than spend one day without you. She called in sick and so it went all day long.

I got very little done that day at my work. It seemed like I spent all my energy fighting one of those Bozo Bop Bags. You know what I am talking about. You knock it down and it pops right back at you. No matter how hard or how many times you hit it, it comes right back at you. She expresses a negative thought and I help her dismiss that thought. Another such thought comes out. We challenge that one. A third. A fourth. They keep coming. They make no sense and often contradict each other. It doesn't matter. The disease tells convincing lies and she doesn't have the strength to seem them for what they are.

Finally, she worries her self into exhaustion and sleep comes. The intestinal bug runs its course. A visit to the doc in a box and a prescription for antibiotics and the sinus pressure starts to lighten. It is now the end of the week and she is back in top form. Blowing and going!

Me? I feel shell-shocked. A regular PTSD victim. And once again, I am constantly taking her emotional temperature; diving for cover a dozen times a day. It is ironic that it is my role to tell her that the disease is lying to her. All is not bad and tomorrow will be better. But the first thing lost in the struggle is my ability to believe tomorrow will be better. I will not walk away from this fight, but sometimes I despair that it will never end and what it would be like to only have myself to worry about.

On a lighter note, tomorrow should be a good day for me. I get to watch football all day. The SEC championship between Alabama and Florida is at 3 and the Big 12 Championship between Oklahoma and Missouri is at 7. The beer is already chilling, but I have yet to decide what kind of munchies I want.

More Christmas Cheer

2008-12-04T14:00:00.001-06:00

A scene from Rudolph, the Red Nose Reindeer that didn't test well with focus groups. Be forewarned: Not safe for work.

Christmas Season Pick-me-up

2008-12-03T12:57:00.005-06:00

I know that there are alot of people out there who have a hard time enjoying the holidays. It bothers me greatly that those folks have a hard time finding some personal peace and spiritual unity during this most holy of seasons. I can't hope to change everyone's heart, but if I can reach through the pain and reach someone, I would consider it worthwhile.

I too have, in the past, struggled to embrace the community cheer and sense of renewal inherent in the Christmas holidays. I have found a beautiful song that never fails to raise my spirits and, thus, allow me feel more at peace with the world. I hope sharing this will allow someone to achieve the same experience.

God bless you all.

Pasting a Smile on my Face Begrudgingly

2008-11-30T11:39:00.004-06:00

Today is the day that I put up the Christmas lights. I hate this process. After digging the lights out of the barn loft, each string needs to be tested. The icicle lights are the worst. They are wired so that there are three separate sections of 100 lights each. If any one bulb is out in a section, the whole section is out. To repair them, I need to take each bulb out individually and test it in a known good string. If it is good, I put it back. If it is bad, I replace it. About 80% of the strings need a repair after a year of sitting in a box. Each string takes 15-30 minutes to repair.

Once repaired, they can go up, but carefully, as they are finicky and a bulb could break meaning the entire repair process has to start all over again. Outside, I coil straight strings of lights around the posts holding up the porch overhang and then run the icicles down the edge of the overhang and along the peak of the dormer windows. This will take all day and is a royal pain in the neck. I like the finished product but hate the process of getting them up. So, I tend to grumble about it.

Alas, my sensitive soul of a wife hates it when I grumble through the effort because it reminds her of her SOB of a father. So, I have to pretend to be enjoying the work. That takes all the fun out of the misery.

Added Later: Listening to the Reverend Horton Heat's Christmas album seems to help.

Just Wondering

2008-11-28T07:00:00.001-06:00

Is any woman more beautiful than Barbara Stanwyck in "Christmas in Connecticut"?

Didn't think so.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

2008-11-26T05:46:00.010-06:00

Random events from my life:

I rode Stormy by herself out in the pasture last night. She was spooky and, at first, refused to go where I asked her a couple of times. After Saturday's incident, I was probably as nervous as she was. But, with some persistence and alot of positive affirmations, she finally did all I asked.

Last night, on my penultimate trip to the grocery store for Thanksgiving ingredients, I had a blowout on the truck and spent some time changing a tire in the dark. Normally, that wouldn't bother me, but truck tires are heavy and they have to be seated on 8 bolts. I had to wait for cars to pass (and I was on a rural road) to get enough light to actually get the tire placed. Thinking about the tire-changing scene in "A Christmas Story" (Oh, Fudge!!!), I kept the hub cap with the lug nuts in it as far away from the operation as possible.

Speaking of which, we broke out our "A Christmas Story" DVD last night and watched it. I think that is our favorite holiday movie, with the Thanksgiving classic "Trains, Planes, and Automobiles" coming in second. It seems strange, but we seem to regularly encounter people who have never seen the movie. What kind of human oddities are those people?

After nearly six months working as an independent contractor, the company where my wife has been working finally made her a full-time employment offer. So, starting January 1, she is on role and no longer responsible for her own payroll taxes. Ironically enough, she had called me from work last Friday all upset because they hadn't made her an offer and worried that they were going to let her go. Interesting how a few days can change everything even when they are changing nothing except the potency of the negative voices.

We are having an orphans gathering for Thanksgiving, inviting over friends who's family is too far away to visit for the weekend. I am cooking a turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole (with cream of celery instead of mushroom), and a nice garden salad. Canned cranberry sauce will also be available, if I can find it at the store today. I've got a couple of bottles of a nice Reisling (from Germany's Rhein River Valley. Shhhhhhhh!) and need to pick up some more beer.

Dinner tomorrow is at 5, and I am a little upset that I will probably miss the Texas-Texas A&M football game at 7. But, alas, that is the price of friendship.

That is all. Y'all have a good Thanksgiving.

Late Breaking: I was just out to throw hay to the horses and their was a coyote wandering around by the barn. The dogs caught sight of it and they were off to the races. By the time I covered the 100 yards to the back of the barn, they were off in the far northeast corner of the property, a good 300 yards away. I have no idea how the coyote got away as the fencing in that corner is all no-climb mesh. So, he would have had to jump it to get away. But, get away he did. I really need to start carrying my camera with me.

Flying the Friendly Skies

2008-11-24T05:35:00.004-06:00

Saturday was a beautiful day and I decided to actually ride my horses rather than just saying I should, then finding something else to occupy my time. That turned out to be a decision with consequences.

We had our pasture brush-hogged during the week and it was looking pretty good with all the tall vegetation knocked down. So, my wife, our boarder, and I saddled up to go wander around the large pasture. It had probably been over a month since I last rode Stormy, but she came willingly and stood quietly at the trailer. That, in and of itself, is a major accomplishment. She usually has one episode where she freaks out and tries to get away. Our theory is that she doesn't like not seeing the other horses and when tied at the trailer, she can't see anything but the trailer. So, the combination of tying her at the back corner rather than the side, so she could see the others, and having Clyde tied to the trailer seemed to keep her calm. She was tacked up without incident.

She hadn't been turned out in the big pasture in several weeks, so she was nervous and gave everything a good look like she had never seen it before. Whenever she acted spooky at something, I would make her walk in that direction and then stand looking at the object until she calmed down. While I was doing this, the other horses would continue walking around and, generally, away from us. Being a bit buddy sour, not being with the other horses also agitated her and she would try to run back to them. Of course, I wouldn't let her. She had to walk and it generally took a few minutes to catch back up.

This pattern continued for a while until we were walking along the top of the pond dam. Stormy and I were about 20 yards or so behind the other horses. She, again, tried to trot back up to them and I, again, started pulling her back to the walk. She kept pulling through the bit, causing me to (wrongly) pull back harder. She threw a walleyed fit and began to jump and leap and after 3 or 4 good bucks, I fell off landing hard on my right arm. As I took physical inventory of myself, she hightailed it back towards the barn, managing to break a rein along the way. I caught her at the gate, put a new set of reins on, climbed on and immediately took her back to the pond. We continue riding for another 30 to 45 minutes and I continued the pattern of taking her away from the other horses and making her walk slowly back to them. I had no further trouble from her.

It was the first time in 5 years that I had fallen off, and the first time I had ever fallen off Stormy, but my injuries were minor. My right shoulder is sore and has a limited range of motion, but I am pleased that I didn't break a collarbone (which I have a history of) when I landed. I also have a huge, dark, ugly bruise inside my right thigh that is sore to the touch. I suspect this is from two things. There is a deep purple line that I suspect is from getting my leg pinched in the saddle skirt and another circular section that I probably got from landing on the horn while trying to stay (oh so briefly) in the saddle.

So, what did I do wrong? Well, when riding a horse that is nervous or upset and starting to fight your direction, the best thing to do is push them forward and immediately work them in a small circle. They can't buck with the head turned to the side. I am not sure why I didn't do that other than perhaps because the flat part at the top of he dam is kind of narrow. In short, I panicked and tried to get into a pulling match with her and you can't win a pulling match with a 1200 pound ball of muscle.

Afterward, I also got old man Jack out and exercised him in the arena for about 20 minutes and then came inside and watched college football. The Oklahoma-Texas Tech game was a complete (and pleasant) surprise. I expected a better game from the Red Raiders, but the Sooner defense played as good as I have seen them play this year.

Friday Random Whatever

2008-11-21T08:47:00.004-06:00

Because I got nuthin' else this morning.

1. "My Baby Thinks She's a Train" by Asleep at the Wheel
2. "Skinny Woman" by North Mississippi Allstars
3. "I'm a Fool to Want You" by Linda Ronstadt
4. "Same Fool" by Dwight Yoakam
5. "Sunbonnet Sue" by Fort Worth Doughboys
6. "If This is Goodbye" by Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris
7. "San Antonio Rose" by Leon Rausch
8. "Dignity" by Bob Dylan
9. "Perfect Blue Buildings" by Counting Crows
10. "One O'Clock Jump" by Count Basie
11. "Twist the Knife" by Neko Case
12. "Valley Morning" by Loudon Wainwright III
13. "Time Changes Everything" by Pine Valley Cosmonauts
14. "In the Mood" by Glenn Miller Orchestra (my all-time favorite big band song)
15. "Mom and Dad's Waltz" by Iris Dement

Celebrity Sightings!

2008-11-20T23:06:00.007-06:00

Tonight we went up to the Oklahoma Fairgrounds to the Quarter Horse World Championship show to watch the Senior Working Cow Horse Finals. Todd Crawford, one of the leading cowhorse trainers, was riding two horses in the finals and, eventually, finished 2nd and 3rd. The system at the AQHA Worlds is that all the finalists return to the arena and, one by one, ride up to the Association President (or some other dignitary) to pick up their awards. Crawford obviously couldn't ride two horses at the same time, so the actual owner of the 3rd place horse climbed aboard to pick up the trophy, check, and ribbon. The owner of the horse was none other than singer and actor (and former Mr. Julia Roberts) Lyle Lovett.

Another competitor in the working cow horse finals was none other than Carol Rose. Now, she probably isn't known to any of my readers, but she is about as close to celebrity as you can get in the Quarter Horse world. She has a huge facility down in Gainesville, Texas and she owns Shining Spark, one of the most prolific and sought after quarter horse sires, even with a $15,000 stud fee.

Down with the Bass

2008-11-19T20:24:00.004-06:00

I can't really characterize what interests me musically. I just find stuff that is different and interesting and I latch onto it. So, I have all sorts of genre's on my iPod, including Classical, Metal, Alternative, Country, Gospel, Bluegrass, what have you. This week's find is the late 80s/early 90s punk band, fIREHOSE. The band has talent and this particular song has alot of energy and emotion and I have just listened to it about 10 times in a row.

Enjoy.

Labels: Music

Weekend in Review

2008-11-17T05:00:00.003-06:00

I made some significant progress in "Citizens", Simon Schama's chronicle of the French Revolution, getting up to page 166. I encountered a few interesting subjects that piqued my curiousity. Schama's description of the financial condition of pre-Revolutionary France seemed to mirror closely the conditions in contemporary America. His primary reference was a 1986 book by James C. Riley titled "The Seven Years War and the Old Regime in France:The Economic and Financial Toll." Alas, I could only find one copy for sale on the intertubes and the price was $130. So, I guess I am going to have to skip trying to acquire that for now. It would be an interesting read, but that is a bit too rich for my wallet.

I also encountered a compelling individal, Guillaume-Chrétien de Lamoignon de Malesherbes, who was something of a reformer in royal France. During his tenure as directeur de la librairie, where he was charged to decide whether books should be published or not, he was ordered by a royal council to seize, and destroy all copies of the draft of the second volume of Rousseau's Encyclopédie. Not only did Malesherbes tip off the editor, Diderot, of the coming raid, but he also hid a copy of the manuscript in his own home. It has been said that the support of Malesherbes was crucial to the completion of Encyclopédie. Interestingly, there is only one English language biography of Malesherbes, written by John Allison, and published in 1938. After my experience looking for the Riley book, I was surprised to find a signed first edition of Allison book on sale for $15 by a rare bookseller in Anchorage, Alaska. Needless to say, I bought it.

There wasn't much change in the college football Bowl Championship Standings. I watched parts of Alabama manhandling Mississippi State with a smothering defense and Texas rolling over Kansas. Colt McCoy is, for my money, the best quarterback in the game today. Sure, Sam Bradford is my favorite, but McCoy is more dangerous scrambling out of the pocket. OU had a bye week and remains at 5th in the BCS. But, they play #2 Texas Tech on Saturday and it should be a helluva shootout matching the Red Raiders potent pass offense against an Oklahoma defense that has been inconsistent since the loss of middle linebacker Ryan Reynolds to injury against Texas.

We also went to the American Quarter Horse Association World Championship show on Sunday. We hit the tradeshow and bought Jack a new winter blanket and then watched some reining preliminaries and some working hunter finals. We wanted to stay for the open jumping finals, but it was already 9 PM and they still had to finish Sr. Working Hunter and set up for jumping, so we came home and my wife watched the jumping finals online before bed.

All in all, a good weekend for an old man.

Friday Random 10

2008-11-14T08:13:00.003-06:00

Now With Extra Jazziness!

1. "Only Want You More" by Dwight Yoakam
2. "I'll Be With You in Apple Blossom Time" by The Andrews Sisters
3. "The 13th" by The Cure
4. "Hey Hey" by Eric Clapton
5. "Goodbye's All We Got Left To Say" by Steve Earle
6. "Round Midnight" by Oscar Peterson
7. "House of Gold" by Mike Ness
8. "Our Revenge" by Paula Cole
9. "Santa Bring My Baby Back" by The Reverend Horton Heat
10. "Cold Winter's Day" by The BoDeans

Bonus Tracks:

11. "Love Struck Baby" by Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble
12. "Since I Met You Baby" by B.B. King and Katie Webster
13. "Pleas" by Widespread Panic
14. "Jump, Jive, an' Wail" by The Brian Setzer Orchestra

Entertainment's Finest

2008-11-13T06:04:00.006-06:00

I thought I was weird for enjoying the History Channel reality show "Ice Road Truckers." It also seemed half a bubble off plumb for straight guy to enjoy "Project Runway" so much. But last night, I think I achieved a new level of strangeness. I was reading "Citizens" after dinner (through page 66) and was getting ready to go to bed at 9:00. My wife was upstairs in the bedroom watching Kathy Griffin, so I flipped on the TV downstairs for a moment to see what was on. And what did I find? Parking Wars, a reality show chronically the lives and times of the Philadelphia Parking Authority. God help me, but I spent the next two hours watching four episodes back-to-back. I am not exactly sure why I found it so fun. Maybe it has to do with seeing people behaving badly, but not really bad. It is a cop show, without all the drama and violence.

A Long Journey

2008-11-11T07:22:00.003-06:00

Last night, I started Simon Schama's 875 page narrative on the French Revolution, "Citizens." It appears as if this is going to be a significant effort. For my time, I have finished the 11 page Preface and am on page 5 of the Prologue. How many months will this take? Hopefully less than the 4 months it took me to finish Dante Alighieri's "Divine Comedy."

2008-11-08T08:29:00.002-06:00

Friday Random 10

2008-11-07T08:13:00.002-06:00

1. "True Lady" by Big Head Todd & The Monsters
2. "Money" by Indigo Swing
3. "Invisible City" by The Wallflowers
4. "Man in the Wilderness" by Styx
5. "Serenade in Blue" by Glenn Miller Orchestra
6. "This Drinkin'Will Kill Me" by Dwight Yoakam
7. "Faded Love"* by Pine Valley Cosmonauts
8. "King of Swing" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
9. "Just Like a Man" by Del Amitri
10. "Wild Mountain Berries" by Kelly Hogan and Pine Valley Cosmonauts

Bonus tracks:

11. "Here & Now" by Letters to Cleo
12. "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by The Clash

It has been a historic week, no? Here is an article, from the outside looking in, that captures the moment of the occasion: A Masterclass in Democracy.

* "Faded Love" is the official country and western song of the state of Oklahoma. Presumably because it was a major hit for Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys who, despite their name, found their fame in Oklahoma, on the Tulsa radio station KVOO and at Cain's Ballroom.**

** Cain's was one of the destinations on the 1978 US tour of The Sex Pistols and the only such venue that is still in operation. History lesson now ended.

The Day After Today

2008-11-04T22:13:00.002-06:00

So, we bring down the curtain on a historic campaign. All the networks are calling the race for the White House in Barack Obama's favor. I suppose, in retrospect, we should have expected this. The polls were clear that we were looking at an Obama victory. But, we have been so jaded by our broken political system that I don't expect anyone would allow themselves to believe that it would ever come to pass. But, history has been made. While it is certainly historic that a African-American would be elected President only a few short decades from institutionalized Jim Crow, it is similarly historic as a repudiation of the sitting President's leadership.

For the last eight years, raw divisive politics ruled. Policy and governance were poor handmaidens to the quest for power. Pragmatic leadership was subservient to ideological purity. Loyalty valued over effectiveness. The country was made to be afraid of the other and constituencies were played off against each other. The Constitution, the great document of the modern era, was reduced to little more than a "goddamn piece of paper." Fear and hate, that is the legacy of the last eight years.

But those that sow the wind, reap the whirlwind. From Iraq to Katrina to the current financial meltdown, the malignant neglect and avarice of the Republican leadership has left our nation on the brink of collapse. As I watch the crowds at Grant Park celebrate the Obama victory, I cannot help but see this victory as a catharsis. The triumph of hope over fear, a great claim on the American Dream by the many to whom it was denied. It was a hard fought campaign and those in the trenches should enjoy the fruit of the labor tonight. For tomorrow a harder task awaits.

Tomorrow, we must turn our efforts to restoring America to greatness. All the problems that have shadowed this campaign are still there. Still requiring solutions. Pragmatic policy and effective governance must be the rule. We cannot allow our new leaders to abuse the mandate that they have been handed as their predecessors squandered their commission of leadership. God Bless America and God Help our next President, Barack Obama.

Random Thoughts to Prove I Am Still Here

2008-11-03T05:00:00.001-06:00

Once again, the muse has left me. So, in order to maintain my vast readership while I struggle to regain it, I'll just throw some random stuff about my life out there.

My interview with a small, family-owned manufacturing company last Monday must have gone well because I was one of two called back for a second interview on Thursday. I managed to cross wires with the HR person regarding the time and showed up late. They were gracious enough to interview me, seemingly in good faith. Truthfully, even if I am offered the job after screwing up like that, I will not accept it. The job is at the same level of responsibility I was working at 12 years ago and their benefits were not very good in comparison to what I have currently. I don't know how much they would offer salary-wise, but I expect it would be a 25% or greater cut from where I am now. But, after the scheduling mistake, I doubt it will come to that.

On Friday, I had a first interview at another manufacturing company, a locally headquartered division of a British parent company. The job itself seemed interesting, allowing me a broader set of responsibilities than I have had before and a chance to help a nascent product line grow. But, this interview did not go as well. I don't think I made any mistakes, but it just felt awkward and forced. I should know next week if I will get called back for a second interview. I hope I am as this job would be hard to turn down if offered to me.

We had new windows installed in the first floor of the house this week. Unfortunately, the window company owner and I got our wires crossed. We wanted to replace the three 59" by 59" picture windows with double hung windows. He quoted it out that way, but when he wrote up the final invoice, he priced out replacement picture windows. We couldn't pin down what went wrong, so we agreed to split the cost of the correct windows. I'm going to have to cough up an extra $700 over the original quote, but feel that it is still worth it. The windows that were here when we bought the house were cheap (mostly single pane), were poorly installed, and leaked like a sieve. His prices are good and his crew does excellent work. So, we'll have those picture windows replaced in a couple of weeks.

This weekend was also our annual ladybug infestation. Not sure what is up with that, but every fall a swarm of ladybugs descends on our place to die. They alight on the outside walls, buzz your head, land on you, and some even manage to find their way inside. We went upstairs to bed and found hundreds dead on the inside window sill. Google tells me that they are moving indoors as the weather turns cold, but die in the dry air. Whatever.

We decided to vote early by in-person absentee ballot on Saturday to avoid missing work on Tuesday. The Election Board office opened at 8 AM. We arrived about that time, figuring that we'd have to stand in line, but didn't quite expect the line to be out the door down the street, around the corner, down a full city block, around another corner, and down almost another full block. I would estimate the line was at least 2/10 of a mile long. It took us two and a half hours to work our way up to the door. But, we discharged our civic responsibilities. And we hit the lunch buffet at Misal of India afterward.

My wife gave me a cold this weekend and it is kicking my butt. I generally don't get sick. I'll catch one cold per year and will get the flu once a decade or so, but that is about it. So, I am trying not to be a big baby about this. But, I really do want to act pathetic.

Did anyone else watch the Texas-Texas Tech football game? Holy schnikes, what an ending. Big 12 football is ruling this year, with Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas Tech, and Missouri all ranked.

Friday Random 10

2008-10-31T15:09:00.003-05:00

1. "Today, Tomorrow and Forever" by Patsy Cline
2. "A Maiden's Prayer" by Bob Wills
3. "Deep Ocean Vast Sea" by Peter Murphy
4. "I'm a Fool to Want You" by Linda Ronstadt
5. "The Precious Jewel" by The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
6. "Out in the Streets" by Blondie
7. "Einsam in trüben Tagen" by Jessye Norman
8. "Defy You" by The Offspring
9. "For Your Love" by John Waite
10. "Fuel" by Metallica

Bonus Track:

11. "Too Late Baby" by Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown
12 "El Farol" by Santana
13. "Small Town" by John Mellencamp

Laugh of the Week

2008-10-27T11:14:00.003-05:00

Seen in the deep discount bin at Borders this weekend:

Nothing Down for the 2000s: Dynamic New Wealth Strategies in Real Estate by Robert Allen.

Friday Random 10

2008-10-24T13:30:00.000-05:00

1. "Walk this Way" by Run-DMC
2. "The Wizard (Jazz Mix)" by Paul Hardcastle
3. "Sweet Hour of Prayer" by Iris Dement
4. "Fat Boy Rag" by Bob Wills
5. "Dr. Bones" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies
6. "I Still Haven't Found What I Am Looking For" by U2
7. "Ska-Di-De-Dee-Doo" by Count Basie & His Orchestra
8. "Paradise" by Bruce Springsteen
9. "Bethlehem" by Paula Cole
10. "I Found Love" by Earl Scruggs with Vince Gill & Roseanne Cash

Five Minutes of Your Time....

2008-10-24T10:55:00.003-05:00

...is all I ask.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

A Call from the Governor

2008-10-23T15:32:00.004-05:00

I have been sweating out my job situation. I've known for about a month know that my current job was ending at the end of this year because of budget reductions in 2009. I started to ramp up a job search, exploring opportunities both within my current employer and on the outside. It has been slow, but there are positive signs. As a result of attending a job fair a few weeks back, I have gotten some interest. I have a job interview Monday afternoon at a small, local, family owned manufacturing company. I received a second inquiry yesterday from another local company to answer some additional questions targetted towards a position they are staffing.

But, I have been holding out hope that something within my current employer would turn up. I spent most of 2007 on loan to another organization to manage a global project. I wasn't entirely satisfied with my performance, but the team liked my work nonetheless. A couple months ago, anticipating my situation, I called the manager up and asked if he had any new work coming down the pike or if he knew of any organizations that might. At the time he didn't, but offered to keep an ear to the ground. About a month ago, he called up and asked if I might be interested in joining a new project that he just had assigned to him. He had someone reassigned to him to work on it, but the person was ill-suited to the this type of work and he thought I would do a good job for him. So, for the last several weeks I have been waiting as he had to work through several obstacles. Finally, today he shared with me that he got the green light to bring me into the project.

While I am relieved to be joining a new project, it is not without it's risks. This can best be described, for reasons I may try to articulate in a future post, as a "try before you buy" arrangement. My role is mainly to move the initial planning and analysis phase of the project forward and there is no guarantee that there will be a place for me on the project as it moves into implementation phase, if it goes that far at all. So, in short, I may have no more time than I did if I just ran out the clock. But, if the project moves forward and I do a good job, the potential exists to follow the project through to completion.

So, I am pleased and will have a little celebration tonight, but only a little one. Tomorrow, I start to dig in.

The Precious

2008-10-22T10:51:00.011-05:00

It is amazing how animals take such a central place in our lives and hearts. Living in the country, we tend to accumulate animals. Not through choice, but weakness. Each enters our life as another burden, another mouth to feed, a bundle of behaviors requiring retraining,an upset to the carefully worked out pack dynamic. Yet, by the time they leave us, they are a beloved member of the family and leave a gaping hole in our lives.

Reading today's blog entry over at Yet Another Small Town Moment brings back a flood of memories of pets that have left my life. I remember Muffin, an ornery little terrier mutt that was our first pet and how she died, through my terrible negligence, in the jaws of a coyote. I remember Boxcar, our Main Coon cat, and how he was happy to sit on the front porch, tied to a leash, and watch the world go by. But, most of all, I remember Smeagol and how she was such a burden and such a joy.

Not long after we moved out to the country, we were driving back into town to go to a movie. Not much more than a quarter mile from home, we saw a lump of fur lying on the edge line of the road. Dead animals are common out here and we didn't give it any thought at first until we saw it move ever so slightly. We turned around and went back to see what it was. What we found broke our hearts. It was a cat, nominally tabby, but mostly void of fur. It was thin beyond imagine, and covered in fleas and ticks. While I stood vigil, my wife returned home and got a carrier. So devoid of energy, it was a limp bundle we had to push into the carrier. We called our vet, who keeps evening and weekend hours, and explained we had a cat that likely required euthanasia. They told us to come right in.

The vet examined her. On the chart, next to age, he simply wrote "Old." He estimated she was, at a minimum 12, but probably older. The prognosis was better than we imagined. Malnourished, dehydrated, covered in vermin, but not beyond care. We brought her home and set the carrier on the floor in the spare bedroom, a bowl of food and box of litter mere steps away. For days, she slept; only emerging long enough to eat some and use the litter box.

Her poor condition and throaty meow was reminiscent of the Lord of the Rings movie character Gollum/Smeagol. So, despite being the wrong gender, it became her name. Slowly, she gained weight. Her fur began to grow back in. She built up energy and began to engage with us.

She was never a whirlwind of activity. Her age and the unkindness of her life left her unable to climb up onto furniture or a shelf. We had to keep food on the floor and to avoid the other animals eating it, we kept her closed up in the spare bedroom. We'd open the door and put her food up and she would wander out to be with us. She was just content to sit in the room with us. The other animals, sensing her infirmity, left her alone. Occasionally, when I napped on the sofa, I'd lift her up and she'd curl up on my chest and sleep with me. When I worked from home, I'd move her bed into the home office and she'd curl up next to me.

The cat we expected to have to put down the day we found her endured. Her decline slowed, but did not stop. She struggled to get into the litter box and usually had soiled litter clumped between the pads of her feet. She occasionally missed the box altogether. But, her spirit worked to overcome the physical insults her body inflicted on her. She went deaf and, eventually, lost her sight. But, she was still determined to share time with us. She would wander along the wall of the bedroom until she found the door, then used the walls and furniture to negotiate her way to the living room. There she would sit, content to be petted occasionally. When she was closed in the bedroom, I would occasionally peek in looking to ensure she still was breathing. Mostly, she was asleep and I left her to her peace. But, at times, she would be awake. Her head up and her vacant eyes pointed toward the door. Those times, I would go in, walking heavily so she knew I was there, and scratch her head.

The end came three years after we found her. It was a good run considering the indignities she endured, but it still came too soon. She stopped eating a couple days earlier. Her attempts to leave her room faltered. She would only make it a few feet before she collapse and sleep. I took her to the vet knowing what was coming, but hoping it wasn't. The vet examined her, but it was clear she was faltering. Unable to avoid it any further, I decided it was time to let her go. She was so old, and her veins so weak, that the shot would need to go directly into a vital organ. The vet gave her a tranquilizer so she would fall asleep and left me to my good bye. As I held her unconscious on my lap, her breathing became shallow and slowed. I am convinced that with only a little time, she would have slipped away on my lap. The vet returned and took her from me. A few minutes later it was done. It has been two years since that day. I still miss that cat.

As you know, I have struggled along with my wife to deal with her depression. I meet her pain with dismay and concern, but stoicism. I see my role is to be strong for both of us when she cannot muster that strength for herself. But, these animals. I don't have that strength for them. Even with the passage of time, the sadness is still so raw. In human scale, their time is short. I know what is coming and, yet, I cannot prepare myself for it. I don't recall who may have said it, and it may be blasphemous, but it is what I believe. Any heaven that doesn't include our animal friends is not worthy of the name. Rest in peace, my Smeagies. I hope to see you again.

Homespun Remedies, Part One

2008-10-20T09:37:00.006-05:00

With a a title like that, I suppose you think I am going to dispense medical advice. Wrong. I am going to talk about saving the lives of squirrels.

Over the years since we have moved to the country, we have had a problem with squirrels. Specifically, with squirrels falling into the stock tanks and drowning. I'd guess that, on average, we've found 3-4 squirrels a year floating in the water tanks. Last year was even worse, when we found at least twice that number, including one incident where I found three dead squirrels in a stock tank at the same time. The problem is that, as the horses and evaporation cause the water level to go down, the any squirrel that falls in will not find any purchase on the smooth metal walls to grab onto and climb out. They swim as long as they can but, finally, succumb to exhaustion and drown.

Once last year I was working on something out in the large pasture. My wife, who was as about 50 yards away up along the fence between two adjoining smaller paddocks, called out to me. After I looked up at her, she yelled that there was a squirrel in the water tank and I needed to get it out. I generally get annoyed when she expects me to drop whatever I am in the middle of working on in order to deal with whatever she is bothered about. So, I yelled back that I would get it out in about 15 minutes when I was done with what I was working on. I returned to my task only to catch site of my wife running down the paddock aisle to the barn, grab a shovel, and start to run back up. It wasn't until then that I realized that the squirrel in the tank was still alive. She fished it out and it had enough energy to hightail it up a nearby tree. Unfortunately, it probably only delayed the inevitable as the previously mentioned three-squirrel drowning took place about a month later.

So, our solution was to leave a three foot section of untreated pine 2x4 floating in each tank. And, in the last year, we have had no dead squirrels in the tanks. Indeed, there are two eastern fox squirrels out in the backyard right now collecting oak nuts for their winter larder.

A Mixed Bag of a Weekend

2008-10-20T05:13:00.009-05:00

The words of the weekend have been sleep and not sleep. I have not had a full night sleep in weeks. Usually, I get up go downstairs, lie on the sofa and watch TV. I'll usually fall back asleep in 15-20 minutes. But, the sofa is uncomfortable and I wake up with a stiff back and a headache. I tried an Ambien last night and slept better altough I still did wake up a little after midnight. A drink of water and some quiet music from my iPod got me back to sleep for the remainder of the night. The Ambien, though, leaves me feeling kind of wobbly in the morning, so I am planning to only take it on rare occasions. So, as a result of my troubled relationship with sleep at night, I managed to sleep during the day and through parts of Games 5,6, and 7 of the Red Sox - Rays AL Championship Series, the OU-Kansas football game.

Saturday was a shopping day. In addition to my usual grocery shopping, I bought a new hayring for our boarder to use. Hayrings help conserve hay by keeping the horses from walking, peeing, and pooping in the hay. Without a ring, you an lose up to 20% of a 1000 pound round bale for those reasons. I also went to Borders, since I had a gift card and a coupon. I bought too many books, four in total, but it has been close to a year since I had bought myself a book that didn't have to do with dealing with a depressed spouse, so it felt great. All four books were on different topics, so I am looking forward to reading all of them. but I think I am going to start with "Citizens: A Chronicle of the French Revolution." The French Revolution has been of interest to me because of it's intersection with our own Revolution and from having read a biography last year of the great French statesman Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord, who managed to serve in the pre-Revolution monarchy, the revolutionary government, under Napoleon, and the post-Napoleon monarchy. Even in light of his corruption (see the XYZ Affair) and questionable morals, he was a remarkable man.

Saturday night, my insomnia took hold. I woke up at 12:30 and wasn't able to get back to sleep until 6:00 AM. Woke up with enough time to get ready for the 8:30 church service. I was hoping my wife would offer to let me stay home and sleep, but she didn't. So I went. I am glad I did. The band was, again, super. Their closing number was a spiritual that would have fit right in on the Lyle Lovett album "Joshua, Judges, Ruth." The singer even sounded a bit like Lovett. We stayed at our pew until it was over. Most everyone else had filtered out.

I rode Stormy Sunday afternoon, the first time since she came up lame last weekend. She seems to have healed up and we had a nice little ride, although (as usuall) she balked at going into the pond. It took some convincing to get her in. Lady, the pony my wife was riding needs no such encouragement. Lady loves to play in the pond and has a habit of starting to lay down in the shallows to roll. That would be a funny sight if it wasn't for the fact my wife was still in the saddle. It took some encouragement to get her out of the pond. Between Lady loving to play in the water, being a bit overweight, and always begging for food, we decided to nickname her The Hungry, Hungry Hippo after the old Hasbro kids game.

Afterward, we went out for dinner to our favorite Mexican restaurant and stopped at a custard stand after that to get my wife the (unfortunately seasonal) pumpkin custard she loves. So there you have it, to quote Blind Melon: "All I can say is that my life is pretty plain."

Recipe of the Moment

2008-10-17T11:07:00.004-05:00

I found a great Crockpot recipe, Ale-Sauced Pork Ribs and Vegetables in my local paper and made it the other night and I absolutely love it. My wife wasn't that fond of it, finding the beer left a bitter aftertaste. I didn't find any bitterness, though. I used a Koningshoeven Tripel Trappist Ale to make this. My wife thought it would taste fine using a red wine, and I may give it a try, but it will be (for me anyways) hard to beat it as I made it.

If you decide to make it, a couple of notes of warning.

I had medium size redskin potatoes at the house, so I cut them into quarters to make them smaller. Don't do this, as they tend to fall apart into mush after 4 plus hours cooking. Get the small potatoes like the recipe says.

When you put all the ingredients into the Crockpot, the liquid will not cover all the vegetables and meat. Do not worry, as it cooks the juices will add up and cover everything. It took all my nerve to not add more liquid to the pot. Especially since it took well over 2 hours for the liquid level to rise.

Bon Apetit!

Friday Random 10

2008-10-17T08:02:00.005-05:00

1. "All Apologies" by Nirvana
2. "Beyond My Wildest Dreams" by Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris
3. "Shepherd's Waltz" by Byron Berline
4. "The Kids are All Right" by The Who
5. "Cody, Cody" by The Flying Burrito Brothers
6. "Day of the Eagle" by Robin Trower
7. "Landslide" by The Dixie Chicks
8. "One Good Year" by Slaid Cleaves
9. "I Can Let Go Now" by Alison Krauss and Union Station
10. "Please, Please Baby" by Dwight Yoakam

7even

2008-10-16T05:59:00.002-05:00

I read very few blogs and probably have even fewer readers, so I am only going to tag two people rather than the prescribed seven. So sue me.

RULES
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 2 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 FACTS ABOUT ME

As a senior in high school, I didn't attend a scheduled study hall all year, but rather spent that period either wandering the halls or hanging out in the Math Lab. Over the course of the year, I was never asked for a hall pass. I thought, at the time, I was a getting away with something. After the fact, I wonder if it may be because hanging out in the Math Lab was pretty darn pathetic and the teachers on hall duty just didn't have the heart to send me to detention.

To prove me geek cred, I was on the Math Team in high school. I was also on the track and cross-country team, which didn't help the matter much.

I have met and talked to two famous people in my life: Ken Starr and John Voldstad, the actor who played My Other Brother Darryl on the Newhart Show.

I've been hit by a car and, 22 years later, still have a steel rod in my leg from the experience. This causes me to regularly undergo additional screening at airports.

Back when I was a competitive cyclist, I used to shave my legs.

I like to cook and wear nice clothes (back before I bought a farm and used to actually go into an office for work) and I watch Project Runway, but I am 100% heterosexual.

For the most part, having horses is my wife's thing. I have two horses of my own, but rarely ride. I can't decide if my indifference is related to a general malaise keeping me from enjoying the gifts in my life or if my interest in the horses and the farm has more to do with creating a life different from my maladjusted nerdy youth and the lingering self-doubt that came from it.

So there you have it. There isn't much weird about me, at least nothing that I plan to advertise. I......am........so.......boring. I tag the following folks: Kate and Wunelle.

Friday Random 10 - Three Days Late

2008-10-13T09:30:00.004-05:00

1. "Josephine" by The Wallflowers
2. "Kings of the Highway" by Chris Isaak
3. "Guess I'll Hang My Tears Out to Dry" by Linda Ronstadt
4. "Ubangi Stomp" by The Stray Cats
5. "C.O.D." by AC/DC
6. "Dallas" by Leon Rausch
7. "The Struggle Within" by Metallica
8. "Witch Wolf" by Styx
9. "Rhapsody in Blue" by the Glenn Miller Orchestra
10. "Cocaine Blues" by Joaquin Phoenix (as Johnny Cash in "Walk the Line")

Bonus tracks:

11. "She's In Love with the Boy" by Trisha Yearwood
12. "Into the Fire" by Bruce Springsteen
13. "Pillar of Davidson" by Live
14. "Darn that Dream" by Billie Holiday
15. "Burning Down the House" by The Talking Heads
16. "The Groom's Still Waiting at the Altar" by Bob Dylan

Weekend at a Glance

2008-10-13T03:21:00.001-05:00

My weekend at a glance:

I went to a job fair on Friday. There wasn't much there for me. For the most part, the employers there were call centers or casinos. Not my deal, although I did make a couple of decent contacts that might be helpful later on.

I also had lunch with a former coworker who started working recently at a local energy company. He is about 10 years younger than me, but he had been struggling in his personal and professional life for the last few years. As we talked, I realized that his struggles were very similar to mine. Since I started working from home, I think I have been spending too much time in my own head and it is good to talk with someone that can relate to the issues of career malaise and dealing with the mental health issues of a spouse.

The OU football team lost the Red River Shootout to Texas. The combination of a stellar performance by Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy and the loss of Sooner middle linebacker Ryan Reynolds sealed OU's doom. And the Pale Ale I bought for the game was not very good. Boo. Hiss.

On Saturday, I got Stormy out to ride for the first time in months. I rode her out in the big pasture. She was nervous to start with, since she hasn't been pastured out there for a while. Her demeanor wasn't helped by Koda, the flighty Arab-cross rescue horse, running around the pasture like a fool. That increased Stormy's anxiety and she spooked several times at relatively minor provocations. But, she was generally compliant, so I considered it a success.

The Red Sox - Rays ALCS baseball game was a wild one Saturday night. 7 home runs, numerous lead changes, and a 5th inning that lasted nearly an hour. I watched until I couldn't stay awake, so missed Tampa Bay winning in the 11th inning, but it was a crazy game.

We went back to the same church on Sunday. Last week we went to the Modern service which has a rock band. That doesn't really appeal to us (especially singing about "sloppy wet kisses" SRSLY.) So this week we went to the 8:30 vintage service which has a bluegrass style band. Banjo, fiddle, upright bass, the whole nine yards. And the keyboard player looked like Jerry Garcia! Much more to our liking even if most the attendees are more vintage than us.

I rode old Jack on Sunday. My wife was toodling around the big pasture on one of the ponies and Jack and I toodled along with her. Koda followed us around for a while and then started to run around like she had the previous day. Jack, bless his old soul, has no tolerance for such shenanigans and generally ignored her.

I tacked up Stormy again Sunday with the intent of doing some walking and trotting in the arena. But, immediately after we started trotting, I noticed that she was acting sore-footed. I asked my wife to look and she confirmed my suspicion that Stormy was favoring her right front foot. So, I just walked her around a little bit more and quit. There was a little heat around the fetlock and I suspect she may have wrenched it while we were out riding the previous day. So, she'll get a few days rest and I'll need to work her on the ground later in the week to see if she is feeling better.

Late Sunday afternoon we went over to a friends for a Canadian Thanksgiving Celebration. Even if the food was non-traditional (lamb roast and grilled salmon), a good time was had by all.

For the last two weeks, I have not had a single, solid night of sleep. I am always waking up in the middle of the night, usually hot and sweaty. I am getting enough sleep (5-6 hours) to be able to function, but not enough (7-8 hours) to feel really good. This really starting to piss me off.

Listing to the Side

2008-10-09T06:43:00.007-05:00

Without much interesting to write, I am in danger of losing my vast readership. So, I am going to present of random things running through my mind.

It is now sandbur season. I hate these things.

They hurt like a sonuvabitch when they get on you. They can be somewhat controlled by use of the herbicide MSMA, but any pasture so treated cannot be grazed the remainder of the growing season. Since it is an annual, if I can keep it from going to seed, I should be able to stamp it out over the course of several years, but that requires a tractor, which I do not have. Small pockets around the house can be controlled by plucking them (carefully) out of the ground, but the pastures are too large for that approach.

I was contacted by a work associate last week interested in having me come and work on a new project for him. I like the guy and it would be a cool project, but he has to jump through a few hoops to make it happen. So it is not happening very quickly, if it happens at all. I would put it at about 50-50 right now.

Consequently, I am going to a job fair tomorrow. Blech. I think I do a decent job in interviews, but trying to talk to someone about jobs in the middle of a bustling convention center is more like dating than interviewing. Did I say Blech?

Despite the uncertainty of my job situation, we are going ahead and replacing all the windows on the first floor of our house. The existing windows are all single pane and poorly installed, so they leak heat like a sieve in winter. They should be installed in the next few weeks.

Project Runway is pissing me off. They should have aufed Kenley last week, but pulled a stupid stunt by not eliminating anyone and making the remaining 4 all subject to potential elimination this week. Thus rendering the entire challenge last week and Jerell's win, superfluous. Kenley was mean, disrespectful, and a little too full of herself and her mediocre designs. Do they really want to reward that behavior? I guess so. Then they eliminated Jerell this week. He was probably the genuinely nicest competitor over the two seasons I watched, and his wedding dress wasn't that bad. He deserved to go compete at Bryant Park and I am mad that he won't. Joining Kenley at BP will be Korto and Leanne. Leanne is my favorite, with Korto close behind. We'll find out the winner in a couple weeks. All I can say is that it better not be Kenley.

I made fried chicken, mashed potatoes with cream gravy, and sugarsnap peas for dinner last night. My fried chicken is getting better. The temperature of the shortening got out of hand once but only caused small scorched spots on a couple of pieces. The potatoes were good, but really need heavy cream added to them rather than milk.

I tried making bratwurst and beer gravy earlier this week, but the gravy came out too bitter. I probably shouldn't have used Guiness, but found something less hoppy. At the very least I should have added a little sugar to cut the bitterness. Next time I will try a Belgian doppelbock.

Are you still reading or have you gotten completely bored by my uninspiring 40-something life?

I am compiling an iTunes playlist I call "Guilty Pleasures" and so far it includes "Save it for Later" by the English Beat, "Our Lips are Sealed" by the Go-Gos, "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow (which actually uses the Bo Diddley beat), "White Wedding" by Billy Idol, and "Unbelievable" by EMF.

Do I really need to get through 26 more days before the election is over?

This weekend is the big Red River Shootout, also known as the OU-Texas football game. It is played in Dallas, halfway between Norman and Austin, at the Cotton Bowl each year. I will need to find some good beer and junk food.

Later!

On What Day Did the Republic Die?

2008-10-07T08:40:00.004-05:00

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The question in the title came to my mind as I watched the closing moments of the HBO mini-series "John Adams" starring the inestimable Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney. I have to admit a certain fascination with the American Founding Fathers. I have read numerous biographies of them and find the history of the era fascinating. If I had to answer the question, I would honestly answer the Republic died on July 4, 1826 when it's two great champions (Adams and Jefferson) died. They left behind a nation still a century or more away from it's ascent to global greatness, but they left if behind mostly to lesser men.

The Founding Fathers were, to some extent, giants among men. They were classically educated and immersed in the Enlightenment philosophy that spoke of the natural rights of man. They were guardians of liberty and uninterested in leveraging their position into personal wealth. They thought, and cared deeply, about the nation and system of government they created. They stepped out of comfortable careers and put their very lives on the line to establish the United States as a nation separate from Great Britain.

They were, too be sure, all too human. John Adams was vain, petty, lacking in any political subtlety, and prone to bouts of paranoid mania. Jefferson was a spendthrift, always in hock to British merchants; he was a dreamer ungrounded in the needs of practical politics; he retained an unnatural affection for the French Revolution even as it descended into madness; and he railed ceaselessly against strong executive power even as he wielded it brilliantly as President.
Nonetheless, I cannot help but conclude that, when I survey the modern political landscape, we are poor inheritors of what these great men and their many unnamed contemporaries were able to create.

As I survey our current environment, I cannot help but hope and mourn at the same time. I will admit that I am held curious to Barack Obama's ascendancy and message of change and hope. That an African-American with a funny, and slightly suspicious, name could not only contend for the US Presidency, but be poised to win in a landslide, says alot to me. It does not, unfortunately, tell me that America is entering a post-racist era, but rather the increasing realization of the utter moral bankruptcy of the Republican party. The party that claims the mantel of fiscal responsibility has given us the two most recklessly profligate administrations (Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush) in our nation's history. They've buddied up with the most divisive, and hateful, elements of our society to divide Americans against each other with the intent of distracting the electorate, usually with no small degree of success, from more pressing issues. Why talk about our stagnating standard of living when their are gays and liberals to demonize? They posture themselves as jus' plain folk standing up to the Ivy League liberal elite as if somehow having intelligent, educated leaders is a bad thing. They posture that the Democrats are weak on national security when it was their war of choice in Iraq that has created more anti-American sentiment and created more potential terrorists than Osama Bin Laden could have ever hoped to do himself. Decry the Democratic appeals to moral, global leadership while imposing democracy at the point of a gun; Then wonder why organizations like Hamas get democratically elected. How can the Republicans be the party to stand up to dictators and terrorists when their nominee for the vice presidency can't even stand up to Katie Couric? Katie Fucking Couric, ferchrissakes!

At one time, I would have voted for McCain, but not now. His campaign has been characterized by a clear strategy to not talk about the issues of the day, but rather to resort to demonstrable lies, attempts at character assassination, and the elevation of an unqualified candidate to the vice presidency in the hopes of capturing disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters. He has courted the same people who he once rightly labelled as "agents of intolerance." He has dropped the pretense of being a moderate reformer (and repudiated formerly moderate positions) and taken a hard right turn. McCain has nothing to offer but more of the failed policies that have gotten us in these straits. He cannot lift us up, so he has to tear his opponent down. He is all about gaining power. Not because he has a better vision for America, but out of aggrandizement of his own ego. He thinks the White House is his due. It isn't.

I will state that I have to agree that, to a certain extent, Barack Obama is a cypher. He has only come to the national stage recently and has been campaigning for President for almost as long. There is a risk in electing him. He is a masterful politician who has run a brilliant campaign. But, can that translate to administrative leadership? He will take office with strong Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress, so I worry that there will be no checks on the graft and corruption that has seemed to be always attendant when one party (any party) holds the all the reins of power. Will he work to right the financial ship of state, or will the pendulum of extravagant wealth redistribution swing only to be lavished on a different constituency. Can he successfully negotiate the perilous times that will undoubtedly see a nuclear Iran and a neo-imperialist Russia? Can he rescue Afghanistan from the bitter fruit of our unnecessary neglect?

I don't know. But when I ask myself which candidate is the best inheritor of the legacy left to us by those men we refer to reverentially as our Founding Fathers I can only answer Barack Obama.

Smell Ya Later!

2008-10-06T05:37:00.004-05:00

It was a pretty good weekend. On Saturday, I got the grocery shopping done, watched the Number 1 Oklahoma Sooners spank Baylor but good, and made German Potato Salad for a cookout over at our neighbors.

The Sunday-night-at-the-lake crew was at the cook-out, along with the two gentlemen (and their wives) who run cattle on the lease land east of us. I had always expected them to be good ole boys, but one was actually a retired hydogeologist and the other was, among other things, a former bush pilot in Alaska. We had a good time talking with them about the various wildlife they had seen in the area. One of them actually lives in town and tends to trap alot of wildlife in his backyard including raccoons, opossums, and skunks. He brings them out and releases them near the lake. My wife mentioned that she hadn't seen a live opossum or skunk out by us. I had seen only one opposum (and a good thing as they carry a protozoa that causes the neurological condition EPM in horses) and one skunk. The skunk I saw, several years ago, when our (at the time) two dogs tangled with it.

That is the set up. A setup for what you may have already guessed. Yesterday morning, Missy got mixed up with a skunk. So, at 6:30 AM on Sunday, while my lovely wife slept, I dragged Missy out to the barn and gave her a bath. To get rid of the smell, you mix a quart of hydrogen peroxide, a quarter cup of baking soda, and a tablespoon of liquid soap and soak 'em down good. It works pretty quickly, so after that I gave her a bath with mane and tail shampoo and brought her fragrant butt back up to the house. My wife came downstairs bleary eyed at around 8 AM wondering why the dog was damp!

The rest of the day went a bit smoother. We tried a new church that my wife seems to like better than ones we attended previously. I did some chores around the place, watched a little baseball and a little football, and brought the day to a close by going out for Mexican food (Camarón chipotle!).

Friday Random 10

2008-10-03T08:12:00.002-05:00

1. "Small Blue Thing" by Suzanne Vega
2. "Baloney Again" by Mark Knopfler
3. "Northwest Passage" by Woody Herman
4. "The Ghosts That Haunt Me" by Crash Test Dummies
5. "Are You Tired of Me Darling" by Ralph Stanley with Sara Evans
6. "Blue Spanish Sky" by Chris Isaak
7. "Spaceman" by 4 Non Blondes
8. "Knoxville Girl" by The Outlaws
9. "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon
10. "Johnny Appleseed" by Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros

Bonus Track

11. "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" by Warren Zevon

A Pallette of Potatoes

2008-10-02T05:52:00.003-05:00

Watching Project Runway last night, as the remaining designers wandered the New York Botanical Gardens looking for inspiration on their design for the challenge, I paused to consider how artists find their muse. Myself, while I pretend to no artistry, did find inspiration this week in the grocery store. I ran into town the other day to pick up some dry cleaning and get a few mid-week essentials at the supermarket. As I wandered through the produce section, I saw where the store had taken gallon size ziploc bags and filled them with potatoes, carrots, celery, and red onion. It definitely caught my eye and started my thinker athinkin'. I picked up a bag and then got two pounds of stew beef with the intent of making beef vegetable soup.

So what did I do? I'm glad you asked. I used a recipe I found on line as a general guide, since I've never made beef soup before.

I lightly salted and peppered the stew beef, dredged it in flour and browned it in olive oil in a stock pot. Once the beef was browned I removed it and deglazed the pot with a whole bottle (less one glass!) of red wine. I'd suggest not using something bold like a Cabernet Sauvignon or a Syrah, but that may just be my preference. I used Tidal School Impressao, but a Merlot or a decent table wine would do nicely. After the wine begins to boil, I add the beef back in along with 3 cups beef broth, 3 tablespoons minced garlic, two bay leaves, 1/2 teaspoon of ground thyme, 1/2 teaspoon black pepper, and 1/4 teaspoon of ground cloves. Bring it to a boil, reduce heat, and let simmer uncovered for 20 minutes. Cover and simmer for another hour and a half.

In the mean time, cut the vegetables up into large, but bite-size chunks. Add the vegetables to the soup and add more beef broth to cover. Bring to a boil and cook for 20 minutes or until vegetables are cooked through. Eat!

I normally don't like my own cooking. I don't hate it, but there is usually something I find that I should have done differently. Not with this beef vegetable soup recipe. I absolutely loved it.

On separate notes:

Project Runway copped out last night and didn't auf any designers. Kenley really needed to go. She turned into a complete bee-yotch and didn't deserve, I think, to move on with the other three.

The three designers I came to like the most (Jerrell, Korto, and Leanne) did get to move on.

There may be some progess in the job search, but it isn't 100% certain yet, so I am going to keep it to myself as not to jinx it.

Why I Choose to Stay

2008-09-27T14:39:00.004-05:00

In many respects, Oklahoma is behind much of the nation. Despite it's overt religiosity, it tends to be near the bottom of the heap in statistics related to teen pregnancy, drug use, and other such social health statistics. It is a poor state that doesn't necessarily value education and can be extremely narrow minded at times. But there is a basic human decency here that I have not found when I lived in wealthier, and more urbane, states.

I miss Upstate New York terribly, and it pains me that it is so far away. I miss the crisp colorful autumn eating ripe apples off the tree. I miss the Finger Lakes and it's myriad wineries. And I certainly miss the 1000 Islands, location of so many childhood memories. But I have a hard time envisioning myself ever leaving Oklahoma.

Here is why.

I'd seen Calvin around town and had even bought newspapers from him despite the fact that I get The Transcript at home. Finally, I asked a friend, who was born and raised here in Norman, Calvin's story, which was related to me much as described in the article. I have a hard time imagining many places where, when confronted with someone stealing their papers to turn around and sell, the newspaper would actually try and help the person rather than just sending a cease and desist order.

That is why it is unlikely I'll ever leave here.

Friday Random 10

2008-09-26T11:05:00.004-05:00

1. "Red Angel Dragnet" by The Clash
2. "Wherever I May Roam - Live" by Metallica
3. "Sweet is the Melody" by Iris Dement
4. "Uh-oh, Love Comes to Town" by the Talking Heads
5. "Behind the Fool" by Del Amitri
6. "The Weight" by Aretha Franklin
7. "In Trow / Texas Ride Song" by The BoDeans
8. "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word" by Joe Cocker
9. "But for the Grace of God" by Keith Urban
10. "Noah's Dove" by 10,000 Maniacs

Bonus tracks:

11. "Bellavia" by Chuck Mangione (another Rochester native)
12. "Mystery" by Helly Hogan and Pine Valley Cosmonauts
13. "Piece of My Heart" by Big Brother and The Holding Company
14. "Hot Blood" by Lucinda Williams

16 Tons and What Do You Get?

2008-09-25T14:53:00.005-05:00

It has been a busy week. I jetted off to Ohio on Monday for work and returned home last night. Later this afternoon, I am off to pick up another load of hay and it ought to be fun. Normally, when we buy hay out of the field, my wife goes with me. Since she is a size 6 petite with a bad back, she drives the truck while I load. We have it down to a science. She pulls forward such that there are four to six bales located close to the trailer. I pick them up and throw them on. She pulls forward and I throw up the next batch. After 10 or so bales are on the trailer, I climb up and stack them. Once we've gotten a full load, she writes the check and I strap the load down. We aren't as fast, obviously, as most folks who have one driver and two loaders, but we get it done.

However, we normally have all our hay up in the barn earlier in the year than this year. So with the shorter days, I can't wait for her to get home to be my driver. I am going to have to do both jobs myself. My hay guy actually baled earlier in the week, but was good enough to leave my allotted 100 bales in the field for me. So, I'll be out there by myself loading up 6000 pounds of hay. I hope I don't keel over with a heart attack. But, if I do, my timing would be good for once. My insurance company called yesterday and told me they approved my life insurance policy!

UPDATE: Well, no heart attack, although I am pretty darn tired. But, it only took a bit over an hour to get it all loaded.

Friday Random Ten

2008-09-19T13:04:00.006-05:00

I'm feeling rather anxious today. I have begun to submit resumes for jobs and it is driving home the fact that my tenure with my current (20 year) employer is likely to draw to a close. I am looking for internal jobs, but I expect the probability of finding one is relatively low. I hate this feeling. Hopefully, some music and a mug of green tea will calm me down.

1. "Too Late Baby" by Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown
2. "The Lowlands of Holland" by The Chieftans with Natalie Merchant
3. "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan
4. "Wander This" World by Johnny Lang
5. "Jesse James" by Bruce Springsteen
6. "These Arms" by Dwight Yoakam
7. "I'm Free From the Chain Gang" Now by Johnny Cash
8. "Sackville" by Inspiral Carpets
9. "Wanted" by The Cranberries
10. "Insane" by Texas

Moral Hazard, The Epilogue

2008-09-16T19:18:00.005-05:00

So, what do I expect going forward? Simply put, I don't know. We are not out of the woods yet. Both AIG and Merrill Lynch (who is in the process of being bought by Bank of America) face liquidity issues and their may be other, less storied banks in the same shape. I suppose that I expect the next six months will be tumultuous. The potential for more bank failures will hang like a specter over the market. Credit will tighten and constrain industrial growth. Consumers will tighten their belts and hunker down. I think, to the extent we are not already in a recession, we will end up in one. Oil prices will decline and take with them fears about inflation, thus easing the Fed's reluctance to cut interest rates. This should, over time, pull the American economy out of it's recent malaise.

Overall, I believe in the American system. Our political system that (generally) respects the rights of the individual, coupled with embrace of free enterprise economics has led to our greatness as a nation. Certainly, it is not without it's faults. But, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, it is the worst system except when compared to all the others.

I would not say that I am completely optimistic. I am certainly glad the Fed decided not to intervene and potentially have the American taxpayer fund any bailout. But we are not out of the woods yet and there are two things that worry me:

In it's role as the lender of last resort, the Fed has relaxed restrictions on the type of collateral it will take in from troubled banks. In other words, lower (if not necessarily low) quality collateral may be exchanged at the discount window.

It has also loosened restrictions on the transfer of money between commercial banks and their investment bank subsidiaries. So, if after such lending, the bank still fails, a government bailout is guaranteed since the money lent from the commercial side is backed by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC).

As investors, we should chill out as the markets will eventually stabilize and become strong again. Myself, I consider this a buying opportunity. Only 65% of my 401K is in equities. The rest is in cash and bonds. At some point, I will move more into equity.

As taxpayers, however, we should be wary. The two aforementioned changes the Fed has made to loosen restrictions on borrowing have the potential to eventually leave us footing the bill anyways.

So endeth my discussion.

Added Later: An interesting day, to say the least. The Fed took no action regarding interest rates, I presume to signal that they think, despite the current upheaval, that the underlying economy is strong. John McCain has taken alot of heat this last day for saying just that same thing. I think they right. Granted, we are in a serious crisis, but I think the American economy is resilient and this current crisis will pass. But, while I agree with McCain on that point, I think his statement was politically tone deaf. The esoterica of macro-economics and corporate finance is beyond the vast majority of people and they are probably not in a place where such a statement could be received with anything but angry incredulity.

Also today, the Fed announced an $85 billion loan to insurance giant AIG in exchange for just less than an 80% equity state. Unless that stake is preferred stock, the Fed has essentially bought AIG. An interesting deal that I cannot comment further on since I am admittedly ignorant on AIG's business and the nature of the deal. My one thought is that I can envision a scenario where this could actually be a good thing for taxpayers. But, I cannot comment further until I know more about the deal.

Moral Hazard, The Denouement

2008-09-16T05:24:00.000-05:00

It has been around six months now since the Federal Reserve secured a deal for JP Morgan Chase to buy Bear Stearns, a deal that saw the infusion of $29 billion of Fed money into the ailing investment bank. At the time, I saw this could create a moral hazard problem by creating the expectation that, in the future, any major investment bank on the verge of failure would be similarly rescued by the Fed. This expectation does not provide any incentive to such banks to (1) avoid risky investments, or (2) to begin the process of cleaning up their balance sheet of low-quality assets.

I had seen speculation that Lehman Brothers has known for a while that it faced a liquidity crisis as their mortgage backed investments continued to degrade and didn't move fast enough to address the situation. I have no way to determine if that was, in fact, true. But, I can say that it is plausible. Further, reports regarding the talks that took place over the weekend, with the intent of another bank taking over Lehman Brothers, indicate that those talks broke down when the Fed refused to backstop any takeover agreement. So, not only am I led to speculate that it is possible that Lehman was not aggressive enough in it's restructuring due to the expectation that the Fed would bail them out, but we also have credible reports that no rescue deal was possible without some level of Fed intervention. Two different dimensions of the same moral hazard issue created by the Bear Stearns bailout.

So, to return to my conclusion, I think it was necessary to let Lehman Brothers fail. Continued intervention by the central bank would not only allow the fundamental problem of poor risk management to persist, but perhaps to even exacerbate it beyond the current crisis. There has to be a real risk for taking on highly leveraged, low quality investments. That isn't to say that such investments shouldn't exist. Far from it. If investors are willing to take on high risk investments for the chance at high returns, and financial companies are willing to offer them, then they should be allowed to do so. But, there needs to be the clear expectation that such investments are speculative and could become worthless. Risk is okay, but it needs to be understood and it needs to be managed.

It has been 12 years since I finished my MBA, and I have used it little since then. But, one of the fundamental tenets I seem to recall from Corporate Finance is that the term of the financing should generally be in line with the term of the assets being acquired. In other words, you shouldn't use short term money to finance long term assets. You don't buy a house with a credit card. It seems that many of these banks failed to do that, using short term loans to finance long-term mortgage backed securities. I am not sure really how to address this and to incent the right behavior. I need to think more about that.

Up Next- Moral Hazard - The Epilogue

Moral Hazard - The Players

2008-09-15T21:00:00.003-05:00

So, who are the actors in our current financial melodrama?

Individual Investors - I don't view this so much of a problem with moral hazard as I think the issue is a combination of ignorance and greed. As described in the introduction, individual investors came to this place through the lure of easy money. Rising real estate values and cheap financing led folks to a number of poor behaviors. They borrowed against their home equity to pay for any number of things completely unrelated to the value of the underlying asset (such as car purchases, vacations, etc). They bought up to larger, fancier houses often using adjustable rate loans and not fully understanding what happens when the rate actually adjusts*. And they used highly leveraged loans (a fancy way of saying that they didn't have much, if any, of their own money in the deal) to finance speculative investment buying. When real estate values started to slide they found themselves, using a term more applicable to car purchases, upside down. They owed more on the loan than the property was worth.

Mortgage Brokers - I would compare these guys to your street corner drug dealer. They are enabling poor financial decisions. That is, I acknowledge, not universally applicable. There is nothing inherently wrong with the profession and many honest people work in the field. But, there were clearly predatory behavior going on, where mortgage brokers sold non-traditional mortgages (I am probably use "non-traditional" in an idiosyncratic manner to refer to any mortgage that is nota fixed rate loan) to people who didn't understand them, probably didn't qualify for them, and were going to choke when the initial fixed rate period ended. The incentive for the unscrupulous broker was to not clearly communicate the risks of a adjustable note, but to emphasize the low up front costs in order to get you to take out as much loan as possible as quickly as possible. Whether you are worthy of the credit or capable of making payments is not their concern. These guys don't hold the note, they are just brokering for someone else. By the time the homeowner gets his adjusted payment and/or goes into default, the mortgage broker has moved on down the road. They don't have to live with the mess that they have enabled.

Investment Banks- The investment banks buy the mortgages and slice and dice them into other investment vehicles. I don't fault them for this. Bundling investments of greater than normal risk is a good way to ameliorate that risk while still capturing much of the higher return. Indeed, that is exactly what mutual funds are: a pooling of various individual stocks that is sold to investors unwilling to take on the risk of buying individual stocks and without the means to create their own balanced portfolio. The traditional mutual fund that everyone thinks of buy stocks across any number of industries so that even if one industry is suffering, another may be strong, thus mitigating risk. However, there are some funds that are particular to an industry or type of investment. Energy funds come to mind. The investment banks, like Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers, were pooling mortgage investments, including alot of the now infamous subprime loans. Again, there is nothing specifically wrong with this type of investment......provided the underlying industry/market is structurally sound.

In the case we see today, however, the industry wasn't structurally sound. Real estate was a bubble that was bound to burst. When it did, these investment banks, who borrowed short term money to buy these longer term investments, were faced with a solvency crisis. Much of their balance sheet is tied up in investments with rapidly diminishing values. They can't sell them; they can't borrow against them. And, all of a sudden, they can't make payroll.

The Federal Reserve - The Fed is the American central bank broadly charged with managing and regulating the commercial banking industry (note that investment banks are not commercial banks, per se), manage the nation's money supply, ensuring the stability of the financial markets, and controlling risk (primarily inflation) in those markets. It also acts as a lender of last resort to financial institutions during difficult times. It is in this latter role that we see the Fed acting now.

Earlier this year, the Federal Reserve and backstopped the acquisition of Bear Stearns by JP Morgan Chase with an infusion of $29 billion. I am led to understand that the failure of Bear Stearns could have created significant upheaval and turmoil in the financial markets, particularly due to it's clearinghouse business.

Next Up - Moral Hazard, The Denouement

*On a tangential, but related, note: Adjustable rate mortgages are bad investments for the homeowner. Sure, you start out at a lower rate, which allows you to either borrow more or pay less up front. But ask yourself why banks are willing to give you a lower rate on an ARM......or let me just tell you. In a fixed rate loan, the bank assumes the risk that the note will become less valuable if overall interest rates rise. If you borrowed at 6% a few years ago and the rates go up such that mortgages are now at 8%, the bank has money tied up in a lower return investment (namely your mortgage) that they cannot invest at a higher return. That is the risk they take when loaning you money at 6%; namely that they could have gotten a better return sometime and somewhere else. With ARMs, the risk is passed on to you, the borrower. The bank can afford to give you a lower rate because, if interest rates rise over time, so does the loan rate. They continue to get a good return, in line with the prevailing market, on the note because you end up paying them more as the loan adjusts. They have a better investment and you are left holding the bag.